The Winner — part 7

(This is part 7. Click here for other parts: https://medium.com/nebulabyday)

Elijah lay in a hot tub still trying to figure it all out. It was late in the evening and a few days had passed since he spoke to Janice. He was still troubled by the new reality and accepted he had to find a way to get comfortable with the new situation. It was hard for Elijah but he had been in many life-changing situations. All these situations had a tough element but Elijah had a great bounce-back game. He always recovered from those challenges and even found a way to make it look graceful. That was Elijah’s superpower. Not to know things, but to have the ability to find the answer. After he found the answer, he followed it up with inspiring action. That was exactly what made everyone drawn to Elijah and what he loved about himself.

Now, for the first time in years, he had no chance of figuring out how to handle this whole ordeal. The conversation with Janice impacted his whole view on life and the image he held about himself. But one thing Janice could not take from him was his will to keep trying. There was never a situation where Elijah felt like giving up. Even when the thought of giving up crept up in his mind, he quickly dismissed it and replaced it with newfound resilience.

Laying in his bathtub he was determined to prove Janice wrong. Not for her sake, but to prove to himself that he could evolve beyond what he himself held possible. The idea of seeing himself as greater than he is now made it easier to accept the reality of being trapped in a game show. “Think Elijah”, he told himself. Trying to put all the pieces together, he thought about the conversation he had with Luna today after shooting. He spoke to her trying to gain some valuable information for his escape. Mainly about Janice or about the game show. On many occasions, he saw Luna talking to Janice from afar. He was convinced Luna was her right hand and held the information he needed.

“Hi Luna, how are you?”, asked Elijah friendly.

Luna just left the blue room and physically shook off the pressure that she felt in the room. The contrast between the stress in the blue room and the fun of meeting the star of the show overwhelmed her and she reacted with a lot of energy: “Elijah! I am good. So happy to finally get to talk to you.”

Elijah: “The pleasure is all mine. You don’t get to meet the real geniuses of a show that often.”

Luna blushed a little and replied to his compliment with a compliment of her own: “Seeing your performance, I wish I could call myself a genius. I am very smart though.”

They both had to laugh. Luna knew she was smart and Elijah always admired people who knew that about themselves. On their level of performance, humility played no role. They knew they were gifted and that gift needed to be realized. Still, both of them always stayed grounded and in conversations stayed close to themselves.

“I appreciate that a lot”, replied Elijah and trying to get some information from Luna continued: “So what does a genius do on the other side of the show, behind the scenes?”

The talkative Luna replied: “Oh man. So many things. In the control room, we monitor the show and make sure everything goes as planned.”

Her honesty felt like a slap in the face since Elijah now knew that Luna was one of the people that made sure he couldn’t leave the show. He did keep his composure because he knew he had to play this new game as a new Elijah.

Elijah: “And is everything going as planned?”

Luna: “Yes. There are some bumps, but nothing that we can’t manage. Also, having someone with as much experience as Janice around helps a lot. She handles every slip up cool and calmly.”

Bingo thought Elijah. Now was the chance to talk about Janice. “So how is it to work with someone like Janice?”

Luna smiled while letting out a faked sigh and answered: “My job is very demanding and the stakes are high. Janice is a terrifying woman but a great coach. At moments she helps actively. In other moments she helps by, well, not helping. Those moments are the scariest but the most educational. That’s where I grow.”

Elijah: “She sounds very important to you. What kind of woman is she?”

Lina: “Okay, this may sound silly, but I actually have no idea. She is very mysterious and private. She never tells us more than what we should know and keeps mainly to herself. She is tough but reasonable, you know?”

“Yeah I know”, acted Elijah, “I just spoke to her once. Such a lovely lady. So ambitious. I always wonder what drives such ambitious and successful people.”

Elijah looked intently at Luna waiting for an answer that would reveal Janice’s motives.

Luna: “Again, I have no clue. I always wanted to know more about her but she is just so unavailable. I am actually very jealous you even got to talk to her.”

Elijah learned he was indeed lucky to have had even one conversation with Janice. Another thing he learned was that Luna knew too little to be of any assistance to Elijah. Instead of being bummed about it, Elijah felt it was an important fact that he knew more about Janice than Luna did.

Having replayed the conversation in his mind, while still laying in the hot tub, a sudden realization occurred: Elijah himself was the one who had the most answers. Not even someone like Luna, or David, could help him. He knew that he himself was the one to turn towards for solutions. Another realization started to grow inside him: If Janice was asking him to try to win this game show, there must be a way to win this.

These were two realizations he just had. Two very important pieces to a puzzle he had to solve. Instead of looking for answers outside of himself, he felt confident he had to find them inside himself. Not only did he think it was inside of him, but Janice also knew this. She would never tell him this in words but her actions confirmed that Elijah was more capable than he knew. Her whole idea of capturing Elijah was a confirmation of his potential.

However small these realizations might seem, to Elijah, they were huge. He felt goosebumps over his arms and a tingle up his spine. All his life he wondered if he could become an even better version of himself and now he had proof. The proof was not found in results or achieved successes. It was a deep innate knowing that he was capable to do more than he ever believed was possible for him.

Accepting this new image of himself was hard. It meant he had to shed the old image he held about himself and replace it with a new image. As much as he was happy knowing this, it scared him a lot. He felt his heart rate increasing. Losing old mind states meant losing old habits. It meant he had to stop doing the things he had always done. The way he had always done them. It was frightening. He built up his whole life around safety and comfort. He had his safe job, was saving for a safe pension, had built up safe relationships. But all those safeties just kept him the old Elijah. Having new knowledge meant he had to do knew things. Doubt started creeping up: “What if I can’t do these new things? I have never navigated the world through my new eyes. I could fail. What if I am not ready to start living this new life? What if it is too hard? Too new, even though it is a good thing, but just too new?” The fact that something is new is scary. A lot of people would like to win, but shedding their old skin to achieve the new is a painful process.

As much as he hated to agree with Janice, he always felt like he held himself back in life. He could achieve more and be a better version of himself. Yet, he had always found solace in knowing that he did just a bit better than a lot of people. That reassurance worked for Elijah up until now. Now he knew that his past successes, from this day on, were too small for Elijah. Playing with the water in the hot tub he confronted himself: “You always took the easy route. Just because you were more gifted than others doesn’t mean you have to play small. You always played small because you didn’t want others to feel small around you. No, you always played small because you were scared of what your full potential might require from you. Be honest Elijah, what makes you play small?”

The question induced panic and Elijah started sweating more. He knew he was sweating because of the panic instead of the temperature of the hot tub. Elijah had never traveled these paths in his own mind and it was taking its toll. Since he had never backed down from a fight, he still clung to his survival. The whole situation hurt but he had to bounce back. He had to see who the new Elijah was. He was struggling to let the old Elijah go. The one that always played small but had everything figured out. Better yet, the one that thought he had everything figured out. When you do things below your level it is easy to have a life that looks exemplary. What risks does it involve? But once you decide to live up to your full potential, your life might look hectic. Your actions might look erratic. You might fail and look like a fool. Looking like a fool was one of his biggest fears. What if he aimed for the impossible and failed. How would his peers react? Up until now, all his peers respected him and he knew nothing more than receiving praise. But if he were to try new, harder challenges, he might lose face. He might lose the safe life he built up so carefully.

His breathing was intense and his heart was racing. “I can’t look like a fool”, he told himself, “I have so much to lose.” He also had to shed a few tears and thought he was about to lose his sanity. Exactly at that moment, he reminded himself that Janice put him in this predicament. She did this, he argued, because she knew Elijah could overcome this. His complete attention went from fear of looking like a fool to believing Janice. “Janice saw something in me. Now I have to see that in me. It’s the only way to come out a winner.”

As a kid, Elijah always knew he wanted to do big things. That is how he saw himself as a kid. And Janice was the first to ever challenge him to become the biggest he could be. Janice saw Elijah as kid Elijah saw Elijah. His panic started to fade slowly. He started to feel like he wanted to be this new person. He was starting to get ready to give up his old life to satisfy an innate desire to be his best self. Even though he disliked Janice, he took her challenge as a confirmation that she too saw this possibility in Elijah. “So what I always thought is finally happening? I am that person that I wanted to become?”

The only effects left of the panic were the goosebumps. The goosebumps by now were goosebumps of high excitement. He felt his new life starting. He saw himself in a completely different light than the days before this. He didn’t have the answers yet on how to leave the game show. But the answers didn’t matter at this point. He knew he would find the answers eventually. He didn’t even know how he knew this. He just knew. He put all his trust into this new image of himself.

Even if he never left the show, he was extremely thankful to finally become the person he always looked forward to. Taking a sip of his whiskey, he started to enjoy the hot tub and increased the bubbles. “I got this. More than Janice can imagine. I’ll show her.”

Enjoying the bubbles, he brainstormed various plans to escape. It wasn’t hard at this point. Ideas started to come more naturally. He stopped thinking small and found new inspiration in thinking bigger. He could now think of things that he otherwise would have dismissed as impossible. He took a deep breath. The relief felt like he could intake more air in his lungs. He felt relaxed. He felt safe. Not because of the safe life he had built. The jobs, relationships, backup plans. No. He felt safe because he saw a person that was resourceful and talented. He felt safe because of who he is. With a smile on his face, he took another sip. Still trapped in the show, he never felt this free. This powerful.

_____________________

You can read previous parts here: https://medium.com/nebulabyday

Follow me if you want to stay up to date with new parts.