How not to design a data network for your startup

read only if you appreciate satire & this cabling photo makes you want to pull your hair out

I’ve built a lot of data networks over the years and cleaned up a lot of messes that started with well-intentioned frugality. Messes, I’ll add, that began like this …

• Start by calling (a big telco) to install a DSL|Cable line into your garage where your startup will be housed; don’t even consider that 6Mbps download/768Kbps upload isn’t a lot of bandwidth for more than 2 people
• Do not look at the internal subnet used by the DSL modem; it doesn’t matter if everyone uses 192.168.1.0 behind that modem/router firewall, right? Don’t consider that in 3 months you may want an IP addressing scheme that uses 10.0.0.0/8 divided neatly into /16 subnets by location.
• Connect an 8-port (netgear|linksys|similar home-use) switch to a port on the DSL|Cable modem. Don’t blow out the dust it’s collected in the rafters where it was stored for the past year.
• Run cables all over the floor of the garage to connect from the 8-port switch to each computer, until garage floor looks like an ethernet spiderweb.
• Use duct tape to adhere the cables to the carpet|concrete|hardwood floor; or even better, let the cables run amok like snakes. Do not worry about tripping hazards.
• When you run out of ports on the first switch, connect a second 8-port switch to the first, and buy longer ethernet cables so you can connect everyone in the garage. Don’t even consider that 6, 8-port consumer grade switches are harder to manage than a more expensive 48-port model.
• Definitely connect two ends of the same ethernet cable into one switch if you like blinking lights, and want to know why spanning tree was invented, and why it’s a feature that costs money on larger switches.
• When your partner’s dog lifts his leg on the DSL modem on the floor in the garage corner, get mad at the dog because nobody can use the Internet until (big telco) sends you a replacement and/or you have everyone enable personal hotspots on their mobile phones
• Be annoyed at the end of the month when everyone wants to expense their mobile data overages
• Finally get the DSL|cable modem replaced by (big telco) and complain to telco that the bandwidth isn’t fast enough. Pay them more money for their lukewarm promise of more bandwidth.
• Wonder why wireless on that DSL|cable modem doesn’t work well. It used to work well, when there were two of you in the garage. Don’t consider interference created by the microwave oven, the cordless DECT phone, or all of the bluetooth devices. Don’t ponder if they’re all using the same 2.4GHz freqency as your wireless router. Don’t look at that list of wireless networks you can see from your laptop (all 100 of them, one for each unit nearby) and consider they might be competing for those same airwaves as your wireless router.

Wireless should just work, right?

• When you have run out of room in your garage and decide that it’s time to move out of your garage|sub-basement into “real” office space, tell one of your developers who can pronounce “router” the American way and/or the Queen’s English to “handle IT.” There’s nothing to an IT move, right?
• Don’t spend any money on data cabling in the new office space. Assume wireless should work better now, since you’re in an office all of your wireless problems should disappear, and the now 300 wireless networks within range surely aren’t creating a problem. Neither are all of the bluetooth devices, microwave ovens, cordless DECT phones, nor the 3 Xboxes you’ve put in each conference room, with 4 controllers each.
• Don’t befriend the people who manage the riser closet in the building; don’t befriend the property manager. In fact, do your best to piss off everyone that can help you.
• When everyone complains that the Internet is slow (even the dogs), do not investigate or troubleshoot to determine the cause. Decide that Internet speed is your biggest issue, and spend a lot of money installing a really fast fiber based connection from (big or small telco).
• Then buy the cheapest, jankiest firewall from Best Buy that you can find and connect to that really fast Internet connection. Do not consider the word bottleneck, except as it pertains to beer, and that your cheap firewall is the urban dictionary definition of bottleneck.
• Don’t find an IT network consultant, and if you do, don’t listen to them when they tell you that sometimes you have to spend money to solve problems. You’ve spent a lot of money on fancy beautiful notebook computers for everyone, and why would you spend a lot on network switches, wireless, or a decent firewall?

You’re partially right, though. Money doesn’t solve all problems, but it can buy decent network equipment.