How Parents Can Escape Their Teen’s Exploding Homework Trap

Photo by Rajesh Rajput on Unsplash

Does your teen have poor grades and 30 missing assignments? Does simply asking her if her homework is done, erupt into a volcanic altercation? Are you both fiercely authoritative on the outside, but crying on the inside?

My daughter battles the challenges of ADHD and executive function disorder everyday. Heated arguments about homework stem from the time blindness and emotional dysregulation associated with ADHD and executive function disorder.

Time Blindness

Teens who struggle with ADHD are time blind. They have no internal sense of time. If homework is assigned on Monday and due Friday, the student is frantically doing homework at 11:59 Thursday night,thus, resulting in another missing assignment.

Furthermore, this teen lacks the ability to motivate herself to achieve her goal. It will be difficult for her to achieve her goal because self motivation is required for all goal directed action. She will need frequent immediate rewards to encourage her to persist toward her goal.

ADHD is a problem in performance not a problem in knowledge. The student knows exactly what she needs to do and how to do it. However, she is not able to take the actions required to execute her plans.

So how do we fix this problem. We must take time out of the equation and reward task completion immediately. Eliminate the homework time gap between Monday and Friday. Break down the assignment into small manageable parts. For example, 40 math problems are assigned Monday and due Friday. Do 10 questions on Monday. First, set a timer for 25 minutes. Do 3 problems. Take a 5 minute break, reward her with a Tiktok dance or cash. Get a quick snack to refuel the mental energy tank. Repeat the process until all 10 math problems are completed. Do the same routine Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Emotional Dysregulation

Teens with ADHD have difficulty controlling their emotions. Frustrating or anger provoking events make her quickly react with her initial powerful negative emotions. She lacks the ability to inhibit her anger. Thus, she can not clearly evaluate the situation and come up with a more socially acceptable response. Her inability to control her emotions leads to intense social conflicts, thereby making it difficult for her to work with others. Furthermore, her behavior will make it difficult for her to make and keep friends.

If you have been facing similar challenges, here are some tips from my daughter’s perspective on how to escape the explosive homework trap.

Tips

I asked my daughter, “Why do you get so angry when I want to check up on the status of your homework and what can we do about it?”

Here is what she said.

1. When you ask about homework, listen to how she feels now and if she is able to talk now. Give her 10 minutes to collect her thoughts.
2. Do not blow up, even if she is missing 100 assignments and has 10 make up tests. It will stress out the parent and the kid. Stay calm and together come up with a plan when each specific thing will get done. For example, do 2 make up assignments/ day and do 2 make up tests/week.
3. Create a clean inspiring workspace. She set up an hour glass and candles.
4. Create a routine. Get home, take computer and books out of back pack, set on desk while still in school mode.
5. Grab a snack and refuel the mental energy tank.
6. Externalize working memory. Have timers, assignment journals, sticky notes in place.
7. Understand that for her, social life is important. That is her motivation. She wants to get her work done because she wants to spend time with her friends. Moreover, she must study so she can gain knowledge. When you know the material you can participate in class and work on projects as a team. You can contribute. When you don’t study, you know nothing. You stay silent. You have no friends. You continue not to do work. Other rewards don’t work for me because I’m already too far behind.

We also decided that when we discuss homework we would communicate by text in order to remove emotion from the equation. I’ll let you know how it turns out in a future article.

Helping your teen manage her emotions requires kindness, consistency, and patience. It isn’t easy but it is worthwhile. Feeling defeated after enduring a homework fire storm with my daughter, I reflect on the words of renowned ADHD and executive function disorder expert Dr.Russell Barkley, “People who need the most love, often ask for love in the most unloving ways.”

I hope you find some of my daughter’s insights useful in escaping the explosive homework trap! Good luck!