NEUROQUEER VOICES

Telling People I’m Neurodivergent is Like Coming Out as Queer Again

Both lead to assumptions and stereotyping

Photo by Lydia Bailey on Unsplash

I often hear, “You don’t look autistic”, or the less direct, “I would never have known.”

I could substitute the word autistic for lesbian or queer whenever I hear this. Both are often meant as backhanded compliments: to look neurotypical and straight is the default, the ideal. They are microaggressions, and both can conceal an element of gaslighting. My experience as a queer person and as autistic is disregarded because I “pass” as heterosexual and “normal”.

Growing up, I remember seeing personal ads where a person seeking dates often described himself as “straight acting”, suggesting that hanging out with them will not out their date as queer. Passing as heterosexual allows them to codeshift depending on the situation. If they bump into work colleagues on a date, they can pretend they are just “bros”.

Of course, nobody has the right to another person’s identity. They don’t owe this to anyone. However, the terminology “straight acting” is problematic, suggesting your sexual orientation means you dress, walk and speak a certain way. It’s complete nonsense. There are many ways to be queer like there are many ways to be autistic…