Black Men Leave “No-Homo” Behind
Combatting bro culture requires us as Black men to take a step back and review our lives up until this point. In my personal life, I used to say “no-homo” all of the time or “pause”, or when I was upset I’d say “that’s gay”! All of which as a teenager didn’t mean too much to me but as my awareness grew these habits didn’t fit who I wanted to be. It was quite a struggle to shake those bad verbal habits. In order to do so, I had to ask many questions.
- Why do I automatically say this?
- Is this appropriate?
- Would I be comfortable saying this in front of my cousin, who I look up to and love?
- Do I care about how others view my sexual identity?
- What is my sexual identity?
Great questions I continued to answer and iterate on. Why do I say this? — I only say these things because it was normal in my peer groups. It helped me fit in and not be out. Is this appropriate? — Saying “no homo” felt harmless within my circle but it was not okay to exhibit anti-gay social norms, especially when I don’t feel that way. Would I be comfortable saying this in front of my cousin? — No, and I didn’t. He was gay and I respected him too much to bash him for his sexual choices. Do I care about how others view my sexual identity? — For some time this answer was yes. Then as I grew, around my junior year of high school this answer became no. What is my sexual identity? — I identify as a heterosexual man, it was my choice. Saying things that would be perceived as gay to my peers didn’t matter because I knew who I was.
No homo and other anti-gay social behavior in Black male communities are so normal even as an adult I still experience it in conversations. Shoot, eating a banana or hotdog can cause hysteria if I am around a particular group of people (women included). I don’t hate these men that still perpetuate anti-gay language because I used to be one of them too and I understand how they may feel. This pattern of thinking is often unconscious and for many Black men, we are often at war with the world, and our identity. If you grew up in the hood or an underprivileged environment, being respected at all costs was valued. The day your character had any flaws or you looked “sus”, you’d become a target. Protecting your identity is a defense mechanism, a way of survival.
If you lived in a typical Black home you probably experienced some form of religion, either Christianity or Islam. Both preach extreme disdain for homosexuality. Young malleable kids are being taught to associate hate, disdain, and sin with non-heterosexual behavior. Religion is its own topic I’d have to do a deep dive on. But even outside of the church, there was a lot of negativity aimed at being gay.
It’s stupid and a system that is compromised of many facets. People are allowed to express themselves and use their bodies how they like. Sometimes I still can’t understand how what someone does with their body in private can cause so much hysteria. As I grew older I witnessed the silent pain many Black gay men undergo. Being closeted for safety or other personal reasons can be damaging to your mind and your self-worth. Mental well-being, vulnerability, acceptance, and sexual freedom don’t belong to one category of Black men. Our sexual choices have no correlation to our value in society. To my Black men still participating in anti-gay social norms, “no-homo”, “pause”, etc. Take a step back and think about your language. Ask yourself the questions I asked myself above. Dig deeper into your personal thoughts about non-heterosexual behavior. Do you really feel that way or have you been taught to feel that way?
All Black men are deserving of love and respect regardless of their sexual choices excluding harmful or non-consensual behaviors. Let’s lean into a progressive future for all Black men. Peace and love 🤎🖤.
