Dying Hard Is a Hoax
While falling from the top of Nakatomi Plaza at the hands of shoeless John McClane, Hans Gruber staves off his terror of defeat and impending death once he realizes that he couldn’t possibly be beaten by a raggedy-looking, down-on-his-luck detective with no shoes. Sure, he was only seconds from being splattered all over a Los Angeles sidewalk and becoming a drippy addition to the festive decorations below, but surely if he yells loud enough and thinks hard enough about how he’s the winner of the film, everyone will see that he, Hans Gruber, the studly German radical, is the true victorious action-movie badass and not this grungy-looking, balding, middle-aged man with a love for wielding nonsensical catchphrases.
Weekend at Donny’s
When two low-level Trump campaign staffers discover discrepancies in the accounting, they pick the wrong time to tell the boss about their discovery of fraud. It’s the exact moment when Fox News calls Arizona for Biden. Upon hearing the news, the boss is sent into a permanent stupor, seemingly brain dead except for babbling half-cocked nonsense that nobody but Rudy Giuliani can understand.
In true Trump-staffer fashion, the duo of sleuthy accountants hauls brain-dead Trump to the victory celebrations in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building where they’ll need to convince the rest of the staff that their chubby, golf-loving leader can still properly recite, “Man, person, woman, camera, TV” so they’ll all still have a shot to undermine democracy and have some good old conservative American fun while doing it.
Friday the 13th, 2020
Jason Vorhees is back, but now his thirst for killing isn’t quite what it used to be. He doesn’t think he has what it takes to be a true horror anymore. “How can I compete with the horrors of 2020?” he was heard lamenting again and again.
This time, instead of stalking teenagers at Camp Crystal Lake, Jason has his eyes glued to the tube, and he’s taking notes. “I’ve gotta try that crazy orange paint on my face. That’ll scare ’em much more than this stupid hockey mask.”
Also, after watching hours of Fox News, Jason realizes that he’s always been treated unfairly. “The only reason I have more victims is that they do more investigations. Believe me, without more investigations, there wouldn’t be more victims.”
While this first installment of the classic Friday the 13th reboot is sure to be slower than horror fans are used to, the second installment promises to feature a newly revitalized serial killer who refuses to admit defeat even after a clear majority of the Camp Crytal Lake teens sink their axes right into his cold, dead heart.
The Shining — Here’s Donny
Get ready for a terror thrill ride like no other. This time, our antihero Jack Torrance isn’t stuck over the winter in the haunted Overlook Hotel, but instead, he’s confined in 2020 America.
The spine-tingling and ghostly Grady twins who haunted the hotel hallways in the original must make way as Jared and Ivanka deliver even bigger chills in the multiple ominous locations of the 2020 American landscape where they can be found standing and smiling with their slimy, murder-inferring grins.
Everyone remembers watching Jack Torrance ax his way through the bathroom door announcing, “Here’s Johnny!” This film delivers multiple catchy villainous catchphrases as it follows Twitter’s most vocal user as he ravages American democracy figuratively announcing, “Here’s Donny!”
The scariest line in the whole movie is 4202. If you thought Redrum spelled backward was scary, wait till you realize what the film’s ominous killer is threatening with his cryptic message of 4202.
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