Another Day Feeling Like A Disease (Part 1)
I’d been suppressing my emotions and I know first hand that is the worst thing you can do – my back pain has made an appearance (a few days ago) and rather than deal with the emotions I’d go gym or go swim in the lake with the ducks masking how I felt.
You can only do that for a while before there’s a crash..that crash happened this morning when I woke up at 11 am rather than 8 am and I felt horrific – physically/emotionally and mentally. Rationally I know that’s so stupid. I’m not working and I can eat, sleep, and play whenever I want..clock time should be irrelevant to me and I should make the most of that.
I MISSED MY MOTHER AND FATHER. I needed my mother here, not the woman she is now but the one she was when I was a child to reaffirm how I’m a disease, I’m cursed and I’m destined to feel like I don’t matter. I missed my father so he could look at my tears and have no emotional reaction or comfort for me. Suicide is not in my destiny and neither is happiness- otherwise fate (Brexit rules) wouldn’t have made me leave France a country I fell in love with and now I live in Serbia – a country which committed so many genocide crimes ‘ethnic cleansing’ in the late 1990s.
I have therapy tomorrow and I’m sure I’ll feel a little better but I want my parents to take some accountability for creating this disease within me. I was a child and they were adults – they had a choice, they could have killed me or given me to someone that could have loved me.
I’m tired of feeling of this way – they both lack emotional awareness and empathy’. They can never bring my childhood back and them moronic lies ‘we educated you and we did all of this for you’, they don’t work anymore…they are so narcissistic taking credit for the career successes of my siblings and simultaneously yet turning a blind eye to the mental illnesses THEY caused in us. If they really felt empathy or anything at all- they would ring me and say sorry..I just want them to feel how I feel just for a day because I’ve felt this hollowness for a longtime and it doesn’t get easier.
Some people may have the attitude oh they are old they shouldn’t suffer in their final years. I disagree – you bought me into this world to abuse and neglect me and I should just accept it?
I can’t accept it, I can’t kill myself because my disease is a terminal one that will last a lifetime..so what is left then? Just stay on the hamster feel with all this meditation, therapy, inner child healing etc but believe me it doesn’t resolve it..the damage is done to a core level.
Childhood Emotional Trauma is real and many of us are victims of it but a lot of us rather live in oblivion (our brain tries to protect us by telling us lies – ‘I had a great upbringing, didn’t go without etc) but I opened the door to the unconscious when I started therapy and unravelled what really happened.
I’m not okay today, I might be okay tomorrow but maybe not..all I know is that the self loathing today is so severe that I want my parents here to reaffirm that I’m not lovable and there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
I don’t need sympathy or anything from anyone and that’s not why I’m posting this, it’s one of my coping mechanisms and I want at least someone to read/emphatise with how I feel because my parents won’t..they think making me my favourite curry when I come home or dad getting me Jalebi is showing me love and care. It’s not, I need empathy not fucking token gestures of food or whatever else.
