Finding the Courage to Be In Solidarity Without Feeling Lonely

Finally leaving the life of the hostel house cat in Berat

Author photo – watching the sunset earlier in Vlore – Albania.

The last week, I had the ferocity back in myself to heal. I meditated, journaled and more importantly, became the observer of all my thoughts and feelings toward the experiences I was having.

Why was I seeing my life situation with a negative lens, especially when explaining to others – I was looking for solace and comfort externally then by putting awareness on this, I spent time assuring myself I’m safe, there was no threat and after 10 days in a 6-bed dormitory (note I started my trip in a Chateau in France on 10 hectares), the comfort and talks I had wih others and the self-work gave me the courage to move with the tide to the next place a beach city Vlore – Albania.

The delightfully decorated apartment and the splendid balcony mountain views were met with agitation and nervousness around ‘being alone’ again and also breaking old habits to better myself is a real challenge, not ‘celebrating’ this new apartment by going and getting a bottle of wine and popping a couple of valiums was or has become the norm and my body and mind just didn’t know how to experience this without.

After having the intuition to go watch the sunset, I further analysed the minions in my mind and their thoughts and feelings. On a conscious level, I became aware that I struggle to cultivate gratitude for ‘nice experiences/ hotel treats’ as there’s a lack of self-worth under many layers and having a bottle of wine and sedating myself to ‘enjoy’ these Airbnbs seemed the only way to be in a state of ‘I’m worthy to receive’.

Putting your awareness on why you behave the way you do is the only way you can change your perception and way of thinking towards any experience.

Returning back to the apartment, and after penning this out why I had been feeling that way, has left me feeling a lot calmer, knowing I just need to affirm myself that I am worthy of not just this apartment but more importantly, worthy of healing.

It has been over a week since I made the decision that I’m not going on anti-depressants and losing a part of myself and then left living quite potentially inauthentically. I have started to see significant improvements from making a choice not to drink to leaving the comfort of the hostel to be back with the minions in my head.

“It is not the strength of the body that counts, but the strength of the spirit.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien.