How over excessive writing about my trauma led to a breakdown

Picture of Fifi my inner child and the food of Gods, French Baguette, fig jam et brie.

Last week I posted on here how I was so proud of myself for writing 25,000 words (in under a week) for my initial manuscript about the trauma and tragedies of my childhood.

I became so fixated on the word count and writing, reliving the experiences of how I’d first slit my wrists at 15 just to feel something and so forth.

I had to take xanax to suppress a part of me from feeling the pain when I wrote, ironic as I thought through the words I was validating my feelings which was only half the truth, I was neglectful and self loathing simultaneously

I’d come home from a days writing and drink almost a whole bottle of wine (unlike me) or go to the gym basically neglecting myself and not giving my self the self love that was desperately needed and validating how difficult it was to write all that down and reaffirming I’m safe now.

As I should have expected, this unconventional method wasn’t conducive to self-care, and for most of this week, I’ve been feeling dark and depressed..unable to get out of bed till midday, fear of writing and not getting any enjoyment out of the simple things such as going to the park or the bakery to get a fresh almond croissant (the joys of living in France)

I did a full detox, no alcohol or tablets in my body since Sunday…and today when I felt a little better I had the courage to go on a daytrip to visit a chateau out of town. I also did a ‘guided release suppressed emotions’ meditation a few days ago which was much needed.

I’ve not put the pen down permanently and I believe I’ll be ready to resume writing again tomorrow, the word counts irrelevant and no self medicating, when my body feels uncomfortable or it becomes troublesome..I’ll suspend the writing, go eat some ice-cream and then do some inner chlld comfort healing and letting myself know ‘I’m safe and I’m ok know’ and then embrace how I’m feeling rather than validate it with wine.

That was a lesson learnt the hard way but I wanted to share with others who journal/write about their traumas…prioritise self love and your mental well being and everything else will flow effortlessly..