Profound Insight on How Clueless I Am to Self-Love
From my disheveled unkempt hair to my inability to look after myself
I’m 38 years old and I don’t think I have loved myself a single day or a single moment and that is a reflection on my current state – it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I am living as a reluctant nomad.
My disheveled hair, which hasn’t seen a hairbrush for weeks, my choice of comfort clothing over ironing, my simple diet of pesto pasta and cheese toasties over eating nutritious home-cooked meals and so much more.
Sobriety has given me a lot of clarity in the last few days when dissecting every part of my thoughts, feelings, actions and the stories I’d tell myself.
I had been seeking validation from others for as long as I can remember, unaware of what was going on. My ‘so-called problems’ started soon after I left London, and when things started to deteriorate – all mind talk, life was and is fine, and now I realise what was driving my desire and desperation to get back to London.
Dating – one of my favourite hobbies ever. I’ve probably been on over 500 dates, and my claim to fame is that I’ve used dating apps on all six continents. Where my friends would be dating purely with the intention of finding someone to settle down with, my intentions were not of that sort. I would tell myself and others ‘oh I like meeting strangers, knowing their stories, dressing up, making out with the hottest men in London’. I had no attachement issues with any of these men – my friends would ask ‘if the date was so fantastic why aren’t you seeing him again?’ to which I would respond ‘theres 4 Million men here, the finest bachelors of UK/Europe, why would I want just one’
I liked it all, from dressing up, straightening my hair, putting makeup on, high heels – things I would not entertain doing otherwise (because of the lack of self love). I’m a fairly attractive girl with an infectious personality, so I loved the way these men would look at me, appreciate me, it made me feel pretty, precious and perfect.
All the things I clearly didn’t feel internally without these men validating me, and there’s a clear correlation between how leaving London and leaving the dating world has led to my self-deterioration.
There has been no self-love and for over a decade the dating apps served me so well and now that I know what my downfall was, I can step by step try and validate myself, maybe even brush my hair and iron that shirt to ‘feel good for myself’.
“Self-love is an ocean, and your heart is a vessel. Make it full, and any excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first.”―Beau Taplin
