Why No One’s Jealous Of Your Van Life

The Road Is Calling, But So Is My Bed

When I need a good laugh, I search online for a video where someone is bragging about their van life.

Hilarious!

The internet is littered with clips of idiots looking thrilled to not be able to stand up straight in their “kitchen” and seeming unconcerned with tornados.

Maybe I’m not exactly low maintenance, but they’re the ones sneaking into Planet Fitness with a shower caddy.

It sounds good on paper, right? Minimalist living, sunsets over mountaintops and yada yada yada. But in practice, you’re just waking up in a Walmart parking lot. It’s not terribly impressive.

Besides, you look ridiculous trying to hang up potholders the size of marbles.

That’s not the only difficulty you’re signing yourself up for when you choose van life:

1. Every parking lot is a risk assessment

You don’t fall asleep — you stake out. You’re constantly on watch for cops, park rangers and drunk loiters looking for trouble.

I hope you aren’t a deep sleeper.

2. There’s nowhere to stomp off to when you’re mad