A ten point update
How cancer is like the worst unwanted pregnancy ever
One: I have a living mass with a mind of its own made up of my own DNA growing inside me. However, while most pregnancies are happily pursued and often intentionally induced, I’d say cancer trumps pregnancy because ermmm, this is a growth that I didn’t ask for and it’s trying to kill me.
Two: Morning sickness. If I don’t eat enough, sleep enough, or drink enough water the day before, I wake up feeling weak and nauseas.
Three: Oh my god the constipation. TMI warning: Prior to cancer, I was such a good regular pooper. At least once everyday. Perfect S shape. Is there anything more bad mood inducing than backed up guts, and all the consequential farting? No — there isn’t.
Four: This is exacerbated by my no caffeine diet. I haven’t had a drop of caffeinated coffee since chemotherapy started in an effort to keep my hair. So far it’s working, but man — do I miss my morning cup o’ joe and bathroom cell-phone-checking time. On the upside, I recently discovered I can actually get a decaf soy white mocha from Peet’s. Yes, I know there’s traces of caffeine in there, but it’s not the same.
Five: I’m not drinking any alcohol either, except for the rare sip of champagne. (Because I mean — come on.)
Six: No menstruation! Chemotherapy — which dramatically affects the reproductive organs — induces a state of menopause.
Seven: Horrible, disgusting acne outbreaks that leave me feeling ugly and undesirable. Imagine me lying on my couch sick, broken out, and farting into my loungey pants.
Eight: Unintentionally waking up my boyfriend when I have to pee several million times throughout the night.
Nine: I’m considered temporarily disabled, which is cool, cause I get much needed handicapped parking. It’s made a world of difference, and granted me a sense of normalcy and independence that has been critical to my recovery.
Ten: The various inane “cures,” recipes, diet recommendations, advice, assumptions people tell me with absolute insensitivity, ignorance, and conviction. “If you just do this … ” “If you just eat this … ” “If you just think this … ” Having to do the emotional labor of biting my tongue on their behalf. Unless someone asks you for the latest article about how to “CURE CANCER WITH THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK” that you read in Pop Health Today, please don’t offer it. Trust that my doctor and I have a proactive rapport, and that I am already doing everything I can to beat this shit.
I am a thirty-one year old queer Hispanic woman and trauma survivor battling a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer. Devoted to social justice and advocating for mental health understanding and resources, I was just six months into my new career as a backend software engineer trying to make space for marginalized people in tech when I was struck with Stage IIa Grade 3 triple negative metaplastic breast cancer. You can read more about my journey in my publication Never Tell Me the Odds.
If you enjoy my writing and you are able to, please consider donating to my medical expense crowdfunder. I’ve got a yearlong treatment plan ahead of me, and I need all the help I can get. Thank you so much for your generosity.
