Sometimes the cancer wins
Human strength is finite
“Just focus on the positives … ”
“… well, if after we remove all the breast tissue … ”
“Everything is going to be okay … ”
“ … there’s still signs of active cancer … ”
“It’ll be over before you know it … ”
“ … then we’d follow up with three to five weeks of radiation.”
R and I have a system worked out. The timer goes off, I sit up from my dozing nap, he unstraps the cold cap — strrrp, strrrap, strrrooope — and straps a new one to my head — strrrooope, strrrap, strrrp. I wait to see if I’ll develop a pitchfork headache. If I do get one, it usually goes away within minutes.
I try to go back to sleep.
But there are women talking in the cancer resource center of the hospital. One woman just got news that she will have to receive radiation treatment following the mastectomy she’s recently undergone. She complains of loss of movement in her arm. Her head is wrapped in a scarf. I consider popping an Ativan to help me ignore her.
I contemplate what might be the course of my treatment, but I won’t know until I am done with chemotherapy, until they’ve scooped all of my dumb tit tissue out and examined it, leaving me with drainage pipes, and deflated balloons for a chest, wondering when I will be able to lift my arm above my shoulder again.
I can’t go back to sleep.
“So … how long until I am whole again?”
“It could be several months.”
“ … I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Liz.”
Today the cancer wins.
I am a thirty-one year old queer Hispanic woman and trauma survivor battling a rare and aggressive form of breast cancer. Devoted to social justice and advocating for mental health understanding and resources, I was just six months into my new career as a backend software engineer trying to make space for marginalized people in tech when I was struck with Stage IIa Grade 3 triple negative metaplastic breast cancer.
You can help me win my battle by donating to or sharing the GoFundMe my friends — my angels — have compassionately set up for me. Don’t worry if you can do neither of these things — you can still help by taking care of your own health and, if applicable, performing routine checks for cancer.
Thank you for reading.
