On Redefining Masculinity

Today I want to engage in another very sensitive topic, but one that is probably the most important topic to address on the path to fixing our society and replenishing it with love.

Masculinity. Toxic Masculinity.

A few years ago, Gillette, the shaving company, created one of the most powerful campaigns ever done by a corporation, aiming to shift the narrative of what “the best in men” really means. In essence they were recognizing the fact that being a good man needs to be redefined. If you have not watched their video, please do it now. I cry every single time I watch it, because it hurts me to know how much pain we have caused, all in the name of a stupid ego. Just like Gillete did, leading by example, we all need to step up and be blunt.

Today, the main victim of our collective masculine toxicity are without a doubt women. Not saying that women are victims, on the contrary, they are actually the stronger force in society, and hence men who feared that strength decided to shut it down by physical force. Some still do today. The second main victim are actually men. Yes, we are hurting ourselves, in wars and unnecessary fights, but especially to our emotional and spiritual selves. Men, more than anyone need healing, and we need it now.

It starts with recognizing that we have been exposed to that toxicity, and in most cases even adopted it ourselves. So here we go.

I grew up with posters of naked women in my room, and everyone who knew me as a teenager and young adult knew me as a “pimp”, or a “natural”, because I was able to “hook up” with many women. Back then I was super proud and took that as a total compliment. I also remember most conversations with my buddies about sex and women, not something to be proud of. In essence, I was perpetuating the mentality of objectifying women. I still respected women and was actually able to show my sensistive side by being there for them, something I guess helped me in my goal to obessively attract women. Sure, I was also super hormonal, but that does not deny the fact that I should have known better.

Since I married my wife I have struggled to let go of that obsession for women, understanding that it all comes down to my own insecurities, my self-judgement and the need to show the world a version of myself that will be accepted. Since my healing journey started, I have experienced the true power of healthy masculinity.

I have had incredibly vulnerable and respectful conversations around sexuality with other men, sharing our own challenges and being supportive of our feelings “in bed”. This is important in relation to our sexuality, as I described in my last post. I have even become aware to my own men crushes, which I also shared with my wife. What a beautiful realization, to understand that we can actually also feel deeply connected or attracted to men. At the end, I fell in love with the human condition, and as they say, love is love.

I have learnt that everyone has both masculine and feminine energies, and many times our broken masculinity prevents our feminine energies to flourish and be expressed. What a pity, I would say, since we are most beautiful when we are sensitive and vulnerable. And trust me, it is the most powerful attractor to both men and women alike.

So here are ten things that we, as men, can do to redefine what masculinity means for us and for the world. Because we need to take responsibility for our actions in the world.

1. Respect those around you. Literally treat everyone the way you like to be treated. Listen to others the way you like to be listened to. We need to learn to listen and unlearn to impose our ideas, even when we believe that we know better… especially around women, and especially in our work environment.
2. Accept that anger does not imply violence or abuse. We need to learn to channel our anger and become aware of the triggers. We must enhance our conversation and make healthy communication a priority in order to stop hurting people around us as a result of our own traumas. Read on here.
3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and cry. Wether alone or in front of others, crying is a powerful tool of emotional release for stress, anger and pain. As men, we need to lower our emotional shields and cry more. We need to learn how to hold a safe space for others around us without making judgemental comments.
4. Have difficult conversations. From emotions to sexuality, there are certain tabu topics where the man stereotype tells us to show a certain mask, without realizing we are hurting ourselves and others in the process. Absolutely never talk trash or speak in a disrespectful manner about someone else, you never know what they went through. Instead learn to talk about feelings in an open manner, no one will judge you.
5. Hold other men accountable. SPEAK UP. Many times, abusers feel like they can continue inflicting pain because no one told them to stop. Taking responsibility means saying something, confronting an injustice, whether physical or emotional abuse, or any other type of disrespect you witness. Even if you are not the one disrespecting in a conversation, whether it is towards women or men, say it: it is not okay. Make sure to note that you believe that was not appropriate. I assure you that you are not alone in the group, but we suffer too much from the fear of group dynamics.
6. Push everyone forward, not just yourself. As a man, use your privilege to advocate for women and other underpriviledged groups. Talking about inclussiveness is not enough. We need to encourage others to show their value, and tell those “higher up” to listen and observe carefully. We need to become selfless altruists when it comes to our life journey.
7. Take responsibility for your mistakes. We are all human, and humans make mistakes. You will realize that people appreciate a lot more someone who recognizes and assumes the mistakes they have made, the pain the may have inflicted, than someone who tries to deny or hide their actions. A mistake that is hidden is not a mistake anymore, but an intentional act.
8. Create and maintain meaningful connections. Do not let your ego get in the way of connecting deeply with others, both with men and women. With men, the stereotype tells us to compare each other and show-off who is best. This is super relevant for kids too, where girls barely feel the need to compare “how well they did something”, but boys are constantly at it. With women, let’s stop objectifying the relationships, or making them sexual, and start seeing every one of them for who they are, and not for their utility.
9. Experience and enjoy touch and affection with other men. Just try it, do not be afraid of what they will say, or what it says about you. You can enjoy same sex affection and intimacy without being homosexual, at the end of the day, we are all on a spectrum when it comes to sexuality. There are those who see it, and those who try to repress it. Who knows, maybe you will realize that you also like men.
10. Become the example you want to be for your children. This is critical for the change to truly take place. We need to take ownership of our decisions and actions. We need to behave with full respect, show strength by being vulnerable and engage in emotional conversations. Have you ever cried in front of your kid? How many times did you tell them they do not have a reason to cry? We need to develop as emotionally available caretakers and parents to both boys and girls.

As the narrator of the video says — “because the boys watching today, will be the men of tomorrow”. And a girl with a strong emotional father will know what healthy masculinity means.

💡 Pro tip: many tips above. Next time you feel like you did something wrong, say sorry. But say it from the heart, elaborate on why it was wrong. Ask how it made the other person feel, and listen. These little acts will start building the write attitude towards healing.

For the full list of posts, see The Real 30 Under 30.