Breaking: Strange Orange Man Asks People to Stop Trampling on the Flag, Promises to Trample on The Constitution Instead
(Satire)
In what some might deem controversial, a strange Orange man descended from the skies and began smashing his tiny fingers onto a keyboard in order to send a beautiful message to humanity: “Do not burn or trample upon your flags, good fellows, please…please allow me to burn and trample upon your constitution instead!”
Woah! Talk about a prophetic message!
Following up on his original statement, the strange orange man hosted a press conference where he promised to ensure the integrity of flags everywhere while guaranteeing that he will not allow a tiny piece of paper to stop him. From what, we are not sure.
“Constitutions are like those weird kids that show up to parties and tell you to keep the noise down or they’ll give you citations,” he explained, before taking a sip from what some have suspected to be a jar of America’s hopes and dreams.
As the press conference came to a close he reassured the 1.5 million in attendance by stating that, “I am a winner in case you all were wondering,” and, “smoking is a healthy alternative to consuming avocados.”
Clearly, we’re in good (although awkwardly small in proportion to his body when you really look at him, think about it, think about everything wrong in your life, and then look back at him, and then think about it again) hands!
Albeit, before the strange orange man could be reached for further comment, he was carried into the sky by two glorious blue wings and a wonderful guitar solo ripped by a random and out of place Kid Rock (so unnecessary).
While we miss the strange orange man and his goofy, goofy, tiny hands, we know that wherever he goes, flags will wave, and chaos surely will not follow.
And to constitutions everywhere: You better watch out!
