Breaking: The Kids That Failed World Languages in High School Now Seeking to End Globalization
(Satire)
Hoping that their children will only have to fail English “language courses,” people that failed world language courses in High School are joining Populist and Neo-Fascist movements across the United States and England in order to curb the “negative” effects of Globalization (:World Language Courses).
“Look, I’m not saying that other languages and cultures are inferior, they’re just hard to understand and that terrifies me. My GPA would have been soooooo much better in school if I’d only failed English rather than English and Spanish…like, I only want to learn the curse words in other languages and I think that I speak for a lot of people when I say that,” stated Richard Spencer, leader of the Alt-Right movement and totally-not-a-Nazi; “If we have to force our children to learn any other language, it should be like, German or Tongues…preferably Tongues because German might be too hard, too…”
Piggybacking off of Spencer’s comments, President Donald J. Trump added, “As you’ve probably heard, unless you talked to the FAILING New York Times, I have the best words! They’re so good. All of the experts agree. And people only have the best words when they’re American words. Period! [clearly an exclamation point] If other people had the best words, then my orders at McDonald’s would probably go a lot smoother.”
Expanding on the difficulties that the President has faced, workers at his favorite McDonald’s location made clear that they all speak great English, but that the President simply smashes his head on the menu while shrieking and sobbing until a terrified 17 year old stuffs 50 Big Macs in his mouth while the Secret Service restrains him [Trump].
When we reached out to Nigel Farage of “England” for comment, we could not understand what he was saying; it sounds like he was speaking English, but it also sounded stupid and weird, and like something that Vice President Mike Pence might electroshock.
Otherwise, it appears that these movements are gaining a great deal of strength and traction, and that courses not taught in English — to include art and science (which uses way too much Latin and logic) — are now in serious trouble. If only we knew what they were saying in response…
