Jeff Sessions to Visit Home in 1893 This Weekend, Warn Friends Not To Invade Hawaii
After a bit of a tense week, Attorney General of the United States Jeff Sessions plans to visit his house in 1893 this weekend so that he can warn his friends not to invite a “dumb ol’ island” into the United States (Satire)
Attorney General of the United States Jeffery Sessions, when speaking on Federal Judge Derek K. Watson of Hawaii’s decision to block President Donald Trump’s travel ban, dismissed the state of Hawaii as just an “island in the Pacific.”
“Look, I’m just saying that…once you’re 20 miles outside of Alabama, you’re no longer in real America.”
Decidedly — after facing harsh criticism for his comments on the island state, and in hopes to counter mounting pressure against him for his undoing of the Justice Department’s oversight initiatives — Jeff Sessions will be visiting his childhood home in 1893 this weekend, so as to ensure that his dear colleagues do not invade Hawaii and overthrow its monarchy.
“Honestly, it’s been a while for me since I’ve visited my childhood home, but I still feel like I’m living in the old days, and because of that — I feel that I have an obligation to warn my closest friends not to invade the island nation of Hawaii,” he commented. “I’m just saying, just don’t drink the coconut juice! It’s not even that healthy!”
When asked about his denial of the wonderful protein and hydration benefits of coconut juice, the Attorney General simply responded, “no comment.” Obviously, the Attorney General is not concerned with getting his gains.
During his visit, he also plans to write brief annotations in mint-julip textbooks clarifying that, “slavery wasn’t so bad,” for the play-do minded youths of his era, and will also protest the Republican Party for its previous “war of aggression” against the Democratic states of the South before returning home to call today’s Democratic Party the “Party of the KKK.”
We wish him well on his journey.
This is a satirical article written and published by a New Age Correspondent. While some of the information might be accurate, much of it has been created for the sake of humor. The comments and views expressed wherein are those of the writer alone, and not necessarily those of the New Age or any outside agencies.
