The Flynn-Flynn Flim-Flam

“I Did Not Have Extra-National Relations With Those Comrades!” (Satire)

“I’m a Red Blooded Rooskie. I mean Patriot!” — Flynn-Flynn

In an address to the nation following reports that he had been illegally contacting Moscow, Michael Flynn-Flyyn lambasted America, that has viewed his actions as potentially treasonous, for misconstruing his intentions.

“Look, we all know that it’s hard not to admire what Russia is doing in the world. The United States should be a part of it […trails off into Russian].”

“The crooked media just wants to make me look like a traitor, but the truth is: I’m a Red-Blooded Rooskie…I mean Patriot!”

Michael Flynn-Flynn then dismissed the pesky-American press in order to make a date with his beau, whom he calls Pooty.

Flynn-Flynn spends Valentine’s Day with beau Pooty.

When seeking further comment from Mr. Flynn-Flynn after his Valentine’s dinner, he shouted at our National Security correspondent, upset that they would be so cold so as to interrupt his Valentine’s evening with Pooty, who looks remarkably similar to Russian President Vladimir Putin. “Your heart’s colder than mine, and mine’s in Russia! I mean…[proceeds to poison correspondent].”

Flynn-Flynn Throws Up the Peace Sign Before Boarding His Submarine to Moscow

Russian from the scene, Mr. Flynn-Flynn threw up a peace sign and then immediately jumped into the frigid waters of the Potomac River, boarding a submarine blasting intimidating Soviet-era music.

“I am not a crook!” he shouted, “And I did not have extra-national affairs with those Comrades!”

Immediately after Mr. Flynn-Flynn’s disappearance beneath the cold waters of the Potomac, likely on his way to Moscow, the White House announced that it would be interviewing different personnel to head the National Security Council. Current candidates include the ghosts of Benedict Arnold, Judas Iscariot, and Marcus Junius Brutus the Younger.

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