Member-only story
Snapping Off My Branch of the Family Tree
An irrevocable decision
“One aspect of this to-have-or-not-to-have kids ambivalence that may be more unique for those of us who come from backgrounds of childhood neglect, abuse, or trauma, is the fear that, if we become parents, we’ll inevitably mess up our kids as much as we feel like our parents did to us.”
— by Annie Wright, LMFT
Expecting Children
Giving birth in the seventies was as American as apple pie and the stars and stripes. But for me, this societal expectation was fraught with uncertainty and apprehension.
The Women’s Movement of the ’60s and ’70s heralded greater freedom for women, which included control over their bodies. In 1960, this notion was practically reinforced with the FDA’s approval of an oral contraceptive known as the pill.
In 1974, I was 25 and unmarried. On the pill and searching for a husband, I pondered the question of whether to have kids eventually. For me, it was a tainted issue, weighed down with memories of maternal child abuse — verbal, emotional, and physical. Could I treat my kids differently and remain a loving mother, or would I fall back on learned behavior?
Since my personality was like my mother’s, I worried I would inevitably show the same character flaws. I imagined myself frustrated with a child and automatically lapsing into verbal berating. How could I change this ingrained behavior pattern?
As a planner, I wanted to firmly and objectively decide for or against before meeting Mr. Right. I wanted to be prepared, armed with rational and defensible reasons.
Regretting Her Kids
On my 20th birthday, Mom visited me at the boarding house where I lived during the summer after completing my junior year at college. We sat on the pink chenille bedspread in my room and talked. Mom seemed depressed.
Then she said, “I wish I’d never had children,” as if she were conversing with an adult friend. But she told me, her daughter, on my birthday that she wished I’d never been born. Shocked, I said nothing.
Flashing Back
My mother had two personas — the public and the private. Her public persona always answered…
