Christian Marriage: What’s Up?
The death in Nigeria of a popular gospel artiste, purportedly as a result of abusive marital relationship and the outrage it evoked over social media, brought to the fore issues relating to Christian marriage and divorce.
Marriage and the family are crucial to practical expression of the Christian faith. The family remains the nucleus of the society. It was an institution initiated and established by God himself. Little wonder that ministries are founded primarily in support of the marriage institution with emphasis on Christian marriages and what the Christian family should look like.
While all agree in their condemnation of domestic violence that led to the death of the singer, some say the deceased ought to have left the husband who is known to have regularly abused her — turning her into a punching bag.
A recent video clip showing the husband beating her was, to say the least, appalling — an abuse in every sense of the word. It was a show of shame that shouldn’t be allowed in a decent society let alone being associated with a minister in the House of God. It is understood the husband is a pastor in an up and coming megachurch.
It raises questions as to what the Church is turning to, and the calibre of pastors in our churches.
People think she endured the husband’s beating because of her ministry as a popular gospel singer and the fear of what people might say. She was afraid of losing the patronage of Christian churches and fellowships if she left her abusive husband.
My heart goes to her children, and all that will be impacted by her death. It is certainly a big minus to the body of Christ. We would miss her beautiful, alluring voice and the impact of her gospel messages on her audience and the Church of Christ.
Deaths resulting from the violent impulses of our men toward their spouses is alarming. Something has to be done to stop this barbaric show of masculinity.
The sore point on which there was no clarity is the issue of divorce. Some Christians remarked that the deceased singer set her eyes on getting to heaven; which is why she did not leave her husband. God hates divorce — It is a sin, and no divorcee will enter heaven, they argue.
They seem to be saying that making heaven is a function of her ability to remain in an abusive relationship even at the risk of losing her life in order for heaven’s door to be opened to her?
One pastor who tried to strike a balance by expressing a slightly different opinion in defence of Christian marriage, was forced to quickly retract his statement.
While stroking our anger and judgement over the living and the dead, it will serve us well to take another look at Scriptures on issues relating to marriage and divorce for the benefit of Christian homes and the young ones looking forward to raising their own families.
Sure, issues of faith, especially involving married couples can be delicate and complex. But here is a pastor beating his wife. Could that be what he read in his Bible? Is that what he and other ministers in his church teach? Is marriage meant to be a death sentence that cannot be broken? Certainly not.
We are aware that in the church and out of it, polygamy and adultery are on the rise. Some married ministers are keeping secret mistresses. At least one Bishop in the South-Eastern part of Nigeria has openly married a second wife. More and more Christians or church attendees are pointing to examples in the Bible to justify marrying more than one wife.
Someone says there is no where in the Bible where God specifically speaks against polygamy. By the same token he cannot point to where God says a man should marry two wives.
They are quick to cite the examples of Abraham who had a wife and a concubine; Kings David and Solomon who had several wives and a harem of concubines. Jacob who had twelve children from two wives and two concubines, all in the Old Testament. And these are God’s Covenant people. Perhaps they need to be told that not everything done, or statement made, and practices in the Bible are commanded by God.
Now let us begin from the beginning:
At creation, God created a man and a woman. Indeed, it looks as if the creation of Eve was an afterthought. After God had created all the infrastructures needed for Adam to live and function optimally, fulfilling God’s purpose for creation, Genesis 1: 11 sums it up: “God saw all that he had made and it was very good.”
Man, created in the image of God was the last to be created. Then, “The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and the LORD God commanded the man (Eve had not been created at this point; She did not exist):
“You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will die.” (Gen. 2:15–17).
The responsibility for working the garden and the command not to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil was given to Adam before Eve was made.
Then God saw something that was not good enough!
“And God said,” (v.18) “It is not good for the man to be alone (in the garden), I will make a helper suitable for him.”
If we read further down to verses 21–22, we ‘ll find this:
“But for Adam no suitable helper was found. “So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.”
It is remarkable that Eve was created from a rib taken from the side of Adam. So Eve was a part of Adam. God did not create another rib in place of the one taken out. The space was closed up with flesh. Indeed the rib became a full-grown human that was returned to Adam to fill up the open space in him.
And seeing her for the first time he instantly recognised who she was without any introduction. Genesis 2:23 says: “The man said,” “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman.”
Adam called her, ‘woman.’ Someone says, womb-man — a man with a womb!
It reminds me of the thoughts I had the first time I saw the woman I married 42 years ago. A voice quietly said to me in my spirit: “Here is the one.” Before then I had prayed and come across a number of eligibles, without an approval from the Spirit in me. I have since believed that God will always find for each of His children, a “suitable helper” — someone specially packaged for them.
Now I am addressing single Christians who are asking and seeking: There is always a timing in God’s program for each of His children. What you need is patience — wait for His timing; don’t rush ahead of Him, don’t copycat. WAIT! There is peace and joy in walking in His will.
Habakkuk 2:3–4 says “For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it because it will surely come…” (NKJV). Ecclesiastes 3:11 also says: He hath made everything beautiful in his time…”
I can say without any shadow of doubt that 90 percent of mismatches in Christian marriages is due to impatience and the crave to be like others. Some marriages fail or run into gridlocks because God’s children fail to wait and get divine direction on whom they are marrying.
Scripture says “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh.” (vv.23–24).
The man cuts off previous family ties and is united to his wife. Traditionally, it is the woman who leaves her father and mother’s home for the husband’s home. This is physical movement. Man now has to move in his entirety — physical, mental and spiritual, albeit not emotionally from his father and mother and be united to his wife. Two become one flesh!
God is not dealing with two separate individuals in a marriage but two in one. That is the will of God. I don’t care what the worldly wise may say to rationalise their pandering to the flesh and their fluid cultures — to justify their actions to the contrary. There is no argument about this. Individuals have to make up their minds to obey or disobey. There are always rewards for obedience and consequences for disobedience.
God created only Adam; He put Adam in the garden to work it, and gave him the conditions for functioning optimally in the garden. While in the garden, God saw that Adam would need a helper. So Eve was formed from Adam’s rib. Eve was a part of Adam — the two were one. There is a head, and there’s a rib, both coming from one source, and remaining one. It is God’s blueprint.
There can be no two heads in a marriage. The man has responsibility for working and catering for his family; not the other way around. There is always a snag with negative repercussions when and where it is the woman working to sustain the family.
So, in principle, divorce, remarriage and polygamy was not in God’s plan for His elect — those who love Him and obey his commands.
No where did God command a man to marry more than one wife. Yet, we have in the Old Testament, God’s covenant people who practiced polygamy. God the Creator works through history — across dispensations and eras. He understands the social dynamics of every era in history, and deals with humans based on their knowledge of good and evil. Recall Adam ate the fruit: He and his descendants continue to face consequences of disobedience.
This is why New Testament believers cannot copy Old Testament heroes on cultural issues. They are in the Bible but are not role-models for New Testament Christians.
Jesus’ conversation with the sadducees regarding marriage and its place in the afterlife, is instructive here. The Sadducees did not believe in the resurrection of the dead. Wanting to fault Jesus on the subject, the Sadducees asked Jesus to tell them whose wife a woman who was married to seven brothers on earth, and outlived all of them, before dying, would be at the resurrection? Jesus said:
“You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” (Matt.22:23–30 NIV).
Jesus was saying in effect, marriage belongs here. It is not required in heaven.
Though marriage is an institution established by God — primarily for companionship, secondarily for procreation — it has meaning only here on earth. It is domiciled within the social fabric of peoples and cultures. This is why marriage between a man and a woman is given due recognition and honor in all human societies and world religions.
So was it in Israel and so was it among peoples of the ancient world. There is no reason why it should be different to peoples of modern day.
What becomes clear in Scriptures is that marriage is designed to be a lifetime commitment. God says through Prophet Malachi in the Old Testament: “I hate divorce” (Malachi 2:16). And to the Pharisees who asked Jesus: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Jesus replied:
“Haven’t you read that at the beginning the creator made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one.” (Matthew 19:3–6).
The pharisees pressed on with their point to justify divorce. “Why then”, they asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”(Deuteronomy 24:1–4).
Jesus zeroed in on hardness of their heart as the reason Moses gave allowance for men to divorce their wives. Moses realized that marriage involving two stubborn, sinful human beings, is prone to running into trouble waters and hitting the rock. So laws were laid out in the Old Testament to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women.
Then Jesus declared:
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matt.19:8–9).
One thing that becomes clear from both the Old and New Testaments is that divorce is allowed given certain conditions. In the Old Testament because of hardness of heart; In the New because of sexual immorality.
What is hardness of heart? A hardened heart is a calloused heart — one that is insensitive to the Word and Spirit of God. He cannot be expected to be sensitive to the feelings of his spouse and neighbors.
Sexual immorality or marital unfaithfulness was the allowance given for divorce by Jesus because a married man or woman who goes out of marriage to engage in sexual relationship with another violates the principle of two becoming one flesh as ordained by God in creation.
In other words, divorce is allowed where you have hardness of heart or sexual immorality — both of which can be deadly.
The Great Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:12–20 spells out in detail the ramifications of a believer sleeping with the opposite sex outside of marriage. Read what he says about our claims to our “rights” (freedom) to do whatever appeals to our senses: “I have the right to do anything” — but I will not be mastered by anything.
Is anybody having problem with food — gluttony? Paul says, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food and God will destroy them both.” Be warned: Gluttony kills!
And here we go:
“The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord and the Lord for the body.” …”Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Then he asks “Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”
Thus a man or woman in marriage having sex with “prostitutes” outside their marriage can be divorced. He or she has abused and desecrated the body. Abusing the body is not limited to sexual immorality. Hitting and beating ones spouse is an abuse that cannot be tolerated in the Body of Christ — the Church.
The Church, conscious of its role, is perfectly in order to step in and arrest the ugly situation by sanctioning the culprit —the one found guilty of spousal abuse, and if necessary rescue the victim by separation to begin with, and ultimately divorce.
It is permitted.
