The hard road to living my purpose
The brief story of how I continued the awakening process, part two
Fresh out of the starseed journey ending, I felt drawn to continue the work with male energy. In the spring of 2023, I encountered a free beta for the Conscious Business Accelerator (CBA), led by a trio of conscious males. It looked like the right thing at the right time.
The CBA program helped me connect to a big vision for my author business. Bigger than anything I’d imagined before. To become that human, I’d have to change. So I signed up for the Conscious Leadership Academy (CLA). As with The Starseed Coach work, I remained skeptical about the need for coaching, but I followed the energy and went for it.
Because of my 30-something awakening, I perceived myself as unusually self-aware and intuitively perceptive. Yet, despite that awareness, I’d been stuck for a long time. Over the years, clues revealed something lurking beneath my conscious awareness. An unresolved trauma that had caused an adult lifetime of creative and financial limitation. As I delved into the CLA program, I examined my life and the root causes of my limitations. I journaled a track record of failed attempts and missed opportunities to achieve financial freedom and full-time writer status. Terror welled up in my belly.
I wanted to stuff it down by any means necessary. But I knew I had no choice. I had to go into it.
Intuition led me to work with a quantum healer, a former psychotherapist whose coaching integrated two practices, somatic experiencing and inner family systems. The work surfaced the repressed events from my childhood. Events that infused me with terror, shame and rage. As I re-experienced their impact, a lifetime progression of pain, self-sabotage, and failure became clear. Those childhood events shattered my psyche, and I never recovered.
I won’t recount what happened here. I may never write about those events. Part of me still can’t believe it happened. Part of me still cannot comprehend why my spirit would choose that human experience.
During the therapy sessions, I found a television series, The Crowded Room, created by Akiva Goldsman and inspired by the 1981 non-fiction novel The Minds of Billy Milligan. While the show did not chronicle my life, it captured the sinister vibe my generation grew up in and its impact on us. Predators hid in plain sight and did as they pleased, as polite society denied their existence and failed to protect us. The show supported my healing process and helped me find the way through the fragments in my psyche.
At another crossroads, I used Christmas break to finish what had escaped my adulthood. I wrote the story that came to me as a 13-year-old, a first draft novel in 15 days. The fastest I’d ever finished a first draft. The writing process synthesized my childhood traumas, the UFO sighting, my 30-something awakening, and the pandemic starseed journey into a work of art. Parts of me returned to the whole.
So far, 2024 has been a year of transformation and looming change. You may have read my article, “Disrupted by AI.” That’s just a small piece of this year’s story. My characters Jason Stewart, Alana Cooper, and Lydia Taylor hold other pieces.
Where do I go from here? I don’t know. We’ll find out together as I write these articles.
