by M
It’s the holiday season bb! That means a lot of us will be spending more time than usual with our family (hopefully virtually or socially distanced). Unfortunately, our family doesn’t always share our values and sometimes they say wack shit. While it can be tempting to bite your tongue, it’s important to challenge harmful behavior and beliefs whenever you can. But that’s a lot easier said than done, so we’re here to give you a few tips and tricks to talk to your racist family over the holidays!
Safety First
First things first — you should only engage in conversations (of any kind) if it’s safe (physically and emotionally) to do so. That means maybe don’t call your angry, drunk cousin a racist in the middle of their rant about why their white life matters. You also don’t want to make people from oppressed communities feel uncomfortable. If you’re bringing a person of color to a family event, let them know that your grandparent says “coloreds” sometimes and ask them how you can best support them if that happens.
Tips & Tricks
Remember: You Are Not the Problem
Often when we confront bigotry, we are accused of being rude, aggressive, or making everything about race, gender, etc. Remind yourself that whoever was being bigoted is the rude, aggressive one who always brings up race, gender, etc. You are simply engaging in a conversation that they started.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Talking about social issues and managing conflict is a skill like any other and requires practice. Practice can look like listening to other people talk about social issues; engaging in low-stake arguments with friends who share your social values, but maybe disagree with your philosophy; or roleplaying with friends playing devil’s advocate (the only time anyone should play devil’s advocate).
Knowledge is Power
Knowledge is your best friend when it comes to arguments so being familiar with facts and figures around social issues is a must. “Racism is real because Black people say it is” is a lot less compelling than “Racism is real and I know that because Black people are 5 times more likely to be imprisoned than white people.”
Ask Questions
Lecturing someone only gets you so far. Try asking reflective questions too. For example, “Do you think Black people are imprisoned at higher rates because of systemic racism or because Black people are naturally more criminal than white people?” Sometimes the best person to convince someone they’re wrong is themself.
Know When to Hold and When to Fold
You can only get so far in a three-hour conversation, so set a reasonable goal. If someone thinks mass incarceration is a class, not a race issue, you might be able to convince them that class and race are inherently related if you spend the full three-hours talking to them. If someone thinks mass incarceration is not a problem, you might want to spend an hour trying to convince them that it is. If someone thinks Black people are naturally more criminal than white people, you might want to spend 15 minutes shaming them into never repeating themselves. Sometimes just saying “that was racist” is enough to get someone to rethink their belief or at least learn that it’s inappropriate to say out loud.
Stay Home
You don’t have to go to a family event if you don’t want to be around your bigotted family members. But you do have to tell them that’s why you’re not going to challenge their bigotry.
Myth Busting 101
CW: RACISM, ANTI-BLACKNESS
Myth: Black people need to get over slavery
Busted: Slavery was never abolished, it was only reformed. Black people are still deprived of their capital through opportunity job discrimination, wage exploitation, and debt; bodily autonomy through mass incarceration; and safety through state violence.
Myth: Now that Biden is president, things can return to normal
Busted: “Return to normal” is the Democrat’s version of “make America great again.” Pre-Trump normal was not good. There were still mass homelessness, mass incarceration, and mass deportations. In fact, the Obama/Biden administration deported more immigrants than Trump/Pence. That isn’t to say that Obama/Biden was worse than Trump/Pence, but it wasn’t good. The reality is that the majority of people’s daily lives will not change under Biden/Harris. Workers will still be working less than a living wage, people will still go into medical debt, and air and water quality will still deteriorate. The idea of “returning to normal” should enrage us, not relieve us.
Myth: I support the peaceful protestors, but I think violence delegitimizes the movement
Busted: People are protesting violence. Condemning people for reacting to violence with violence not only minimizes the state violence that people of color, especially Black and Indigenous people, have faced under US colonial rule by pivoting the conversation, it falsely equivocates self-defense with unprovoked violence.
Myth: If we abolish the police, who will we call when we’re in trouble?
Busted: The people who are demanding the abolition of police are people who have never been able to call on the police when they’re in trouble. In fact, there are hundreds of examples of Black and Indigenous people calling cops for help during mental health crises and being murdered. When people say abolish the police, they aren’t calling for anarchy, they’re calling for the abolition of policing as we know it and replacing it with a system that keeps all of us safe, not just wealthy white people.
Myth: I’m a person of color, so I can’t be racist
Busted: While white people have more of an incentive to believe racist myths, we were all raised in a racist society and learned racist thoughts and behaviors which means we all have to unlearn racist thoughts and behaviors. Anti-Blackness is a specific type of racism that is especially common in East Asian and Latin societies. As non-Black people of color, we must be especially cautious to not fall into the trap of perpetuating anti-Blackness to closer align ourselves to whiteness and benefit from white supremacy.
Resources
Whew…that was a lot of information. But hopefully, you feel prepared to talk to your racist aunt during the holidays now! If you don’t, I have good news: the internet exists. Here are a couple more resources about talking to your racist family over the holidays:
It’s Your Responsibility to Challenge Bigoted Relatives Over the Holidays
Here’s What to Say to Racist Family Members During the Holidays
How to Talk to Your Family About Racism on Thanksgiving
