From stocksy.com

What’s in a name?

Why Classical music in not enjoyed in contemporary culture.

I love classical music. I really love it. I listen to it mixed in with my indie art rock, my 80s throwbacks, all of that stuff. I like even the weird stuff, not just Beethoven and Brahms; I’m into the weird 20th century stuff that like, most classical musicians don’t even like.

So I’ve always been very bummed when I would put on some György Ligeti at a 3am late night dance party as people, excited as a small child showing his friends a new toy, only to receive looks of anger from my friends who really just want to hear 80s throwbacks. Why is it that my friends can’t appreciate the brilliance of some of these works?

Well, today I happened upon a 600-word-or-less revelation. At least in part, it’s because of these bullshit names that music historians and the European. Everything is I., II., III., etc, with bland titles denoting tempi like allegro, vivace, etc. Seriously guys, you put all of that work into a two-and-a-half-hour symphony and you can’t come up with a better name than Symphony no. 5?

For example, I was browsing for my favorite Beethoven sonata today, and found on Rdio an album boasting to contain all of Beethoven’s sonatas. What a gold mine! Here’s the track listing:

Not only is this really stupid for SEO purposes, but thanks to the conventions of the day, almost every single first movement is Allegro. How the hell am I supposed to sift through this? Even I, familiar with the repertoire, feel a little marginalized, like I’ve been left out of some in-joke.

Google “I. Allegro”. Do you know what comes up? Like every piece of classical music ever. How are people supposed to discover great classical music and learn about amazing pieces if they have to be a scholar of the repertoire just to find the recording they want to listen to?

Who had it rite

(sic [you’ll see in a minute])

I’ll tell you. Stravinsky. All of his stuff is named some weird-but-kind-of-badass sounding thing. The Rite of Spring. The Firebird Suite. Petrushka. Yes! That all sounds awesome. I’m sure many of you have never heard these pieces, but they sound more like Arcade Fire B-sides than they do part of some dusty old repertoire, and that gives them a little sex appeal, no?

So, here are some don’ts for classical titling:

1. Don’t include the form of the song in the name. (Sonata, etc.)
2. Don’t include the tempo of the song in the name (Allegro, Adagio, etc.)
3. Don’t include the key of the song in the name (“… in C minor”)
4. Don’t use abbreviated numbering systems (“Symphony I, op. 5 no. 1". WTF?)
5. Do use names that are not like others. (Petrushka!)
6. Do be sure to secure the bandcamp.com subdomain
7. Do Google your name to be sure some other savvy composer hasn’t gotten there first.

This is of course, only one of many issues classical music has with connecting to the masses. Don’t even get me started on cover art:

Why does every classical album cover look like the producer’s brother’s 14-year-old nephew followed a Photoshop for Beginner’s tutorial?

Post-script

One last rule for all of your rock-and-rollers out there. Classical composers need help, you know? So when they do it right, don’t make it harder for them by calling your crappy pop-punk songs the same thing. Especially if you’re Tom Delonge. Seriously, don’t click that link. Click this one instead to hear the most metal part of the Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring. Meshuggah, eat your heart out.