8 Easy Ways To Befriend a Lang Student

By Sydney Denmark

ILLUSTRATION: ALEX GILBEAUX

Making friends in college is hard. Making friends as a college student in New York City is harder. Making friends in college in an environment where nothing is cool enough, different enough, fast enough or gluten free enough is pretty much the hardest thing ever. Here are some guidelines dissected from the biggest stereotypes at Lang to help anyone struggling in the “social” department. (Don’t worry. We all are.)

  1. If you want to befriend Langster you need to make the Lang Courtyard your home base. Learn to play chess, smoke cigarettes, or just sit around, complain and you’re guaranteed to make a friend.
  2. Be a vegan. Do not eat anything unless it has the following on the box:
  • No GMO
  • Gluten Free
  • Soy Free
  • Dairy Free
  • VEGAN
  • Includes Flax

If you want to be a real Langster you will nourish yourself on only hummus, coconut water and the occasional Murray’s Bagel. Actually, forget the bagels. Don’t eat anything from a box or bag — only foods that come from the ground.

  1. Don’t wash your hair. Really. The greasier and more unkempt it looks the better, and your untidiness will help you make friends. Bonus points for creative man-buns and kooky colored hair. Bonus bonus points for facial hair (men) and leg and underarm hair (men and women).
  2. Going along with the dress code there are a few rules —
  3. Flannels are always accepted.
  4. If it came from a thrift store — fantastic!
  5. If it looks like it came from a thrift store but actually cost you $378 even better .
  6. Anything from Urban Outfitters is not recommended, though, if you deny that it came from Urban Outfitters you are in the clear.
  7. Do you like Trump? Agree with his immigration reforms? Follow him like a groupie as he tours the U.S. making one racist remark after the next? DO NOT MAKE IT KNOWN. Just kidding, we accept all kinds of political views ;).
  8. Do you like Bernie Sanders? Believe he is the best and only candidate worth voting for? GOOD. So do pretty much all Langsters.
  9. If you like a song that is currently rated on the top 100, do not admit it for at least seven years. In the meantime, listen only to trippy mixes on SoundCloud by online strangers or the oldies. Also, make sure to always drop subtle hints that your music is better. Langsters love to one-up each other when it comes to who has the freshest beats.
  10. Drink lots of French-pressed coffee/soy or almond milk lattes. Coffee not for you? Tea brewed with your own leaves in flavors such as honey-hibiscus-lavender-hemp, or orange-zen-mint-daffodil work as a greater conversation starter.

Originally published at www.newschoolfreepress.com on March 16, 2016.