A Piss-Taker Becomes A Piss-Giver
A Day In The Life Of A Drugs Counsellor
Some days, aye, my head I must shake.
I’ve worked as a “Drugs counsellor”, or as we say around these parts, “I have been employed in the field of substance misuse”, mainly with heroin users, for the best part of a decade and a half. I have seen the highs and the lows, experienced joy and tears. And most emotions in between those extremes.
There is little that I encounter these days that I haven’t seen at some point previously. Today brought a new dimension to me.
Tuesday mornings are always great. I visit a female “client”, in her mid-fifties, who is one of the funniest and most brutally honest people I have ever met. She, (and virtually everyone else I work with) is on a methadone script, intending to prevent heroin relapse. It does not work, of course, for many reasons. Here is one, that is unique in my experience.
To retain their methadone script, each and every user must produce a weekly or fortnightly pee-test. They attend a local clinic and are expected to provide a urine sample that is free of any opioids.
I took Denise, my client, out this morning. We followed our now customary routine of going to pay a few bills, complete some food shopping and then have lunch together at a local cafe. As we awaited our food Denise started the following conversation:
Denise: “David, I’m clean now mate, I haven’t had a dirty pee test for six weeks.”
Me: “Oh aye, well done. How have you managed that then? Have you been buying piss off eBay?”
Denise: “You cheeky f**kng prick! No, I’m genuinely clean but funny you should say that.”
Me: “Oh aye, why is that then?”
Denise: “Well, all the smackheads around here know that I’m clean and they all want to buy my piss off me to help them pass the pee-test. They sneak it into clinic and use it to prove they are clean”
David: “Blimey, you could make some money there, Denise. What’s the going rate for a bottle?”
Denise: “£10 for 100ml in a small medicine bottle. I’ve made quite a few quid lately too. I just piss in a bottle, stick it in the freezer and leave it there until someone wants one. Won’t go off in the freezer, see! Here’s one I’ve just defrosted for Dizzy Dai”. <she produces a bottle from her bag>
Me: “Yeah, that’ll work for you Denise, until Dai’s test comes back telling him he’s pregnant.”
I thought about it afterwards. £10 per 100ml. That’s £100 per litre. I reckon that I too may go into business. I could easily pump out 10 bottles per day, five days a week. That’s £24k per year, with four weeks holiday, no weekend working and no overheads apart from access to water from the tap. If the police catch me in possession, they can hardly convict me of possessing and supplying piss, can they? I can’t see any downside to this.
Roll up, I’m starting a new business: “Pisstakers ‘R’ Us”.
Surely this plan would be easier and more profitable than trying to earn money writing on Medium.
