A thousand births and a thousand deaths

I decided to stop asking how and learned to just be.

Photo by SOULSANA on Unsplash

On a weekend afternoon, while tripping with my partner, I told him, “You know, I just realized most of our suffering comes from within. We just made it all up, which means we can also dismantle it.”

Arriving at this realization warranted me a thousand deaths so I could give way to a thousand births. It’s a repetitive process of undoing and reshaping until the mold within is revealed.

But here’s the thing, I kept looking for an answer but I did not the know question.

Popular media just wanted me to ask the question so I am forced to find the solution elsewhere — “Top 3 supplements all the Victoria’s Secret models are taking!” or “Top 10 lucky girl syndrome affirmations you should start each day after waking up!” If I tell you that all the life-changing moments do not cost a dime, then living in the current system of putting a price tag on anything becomes a lie. But you already know that, didn’t you? You are here to validate your thoughts and learn that this collective aha moment is finally happening.

Thankfully, the digital age has removed the gatekeepers of information and gave way to the new era of gatebreaking.

But how do you know where to look for the right answers? You won’t. It will come to you. Or more like, it will come from you.

Now, stay with me here. All those Kung Fu masters in Hollywood films depicted as silver-haired aging Chinese dudes speaking in riddles were right. We needed that East Asia depiction not only for the views and representation, but also for actual common sense.

So how do you know the question?

First of all, know who’s asking first.

This is where you look inward and examine what motivates the ego. This is a heavy ask for your self and if you are just starting to ask this question, don’t worry. You are doing the first steps already.

You will not do this perfectly and that’s the perfect way to do it. You will make mistakes, hurt your self in the process, probably hurt other people, hurt your self even more and do this over and over again until you get real with your self.

In my case, I grew up distant from my folks as an only child because we did not have a chance to cultivate our relationship due to socioeconomic reasons. I grew up being hyper-independent and created the belief that I could solve everything successfully — alone. Without having that solid support system and not being able to process my thoughts when hormones took over in puberty, I did not know how to deal with shame and disappointment. I grew up without boundaries and developed a false sense of self, where I thought I had boundaries only to realize that the boundaries were set by other people, and not by me.

The past decades were tough but it was only the past few years that made me realize who I’m dealing with. I finally became self-aware. I am dealing with a person who finally knows what hurts her ego and what makes her act without it. For most people who grew up in a secure and supportive household, this might not resonate with you or will probably only make sense at a later stage in life.

But start with these questions:

1. When did you first develop these negative feelings or how old are these feelings?
2. How did you develop these feelings?
3. Are you ready to confront these feelings?
4. Do you want to confront these feelings?

The experience curve

Let’s borrow the corporate idea of the experience curve, where the more times a particular product gets produced, the more experience the company gains from it, then, the lower the costs eventually.

In other words, the more you do something, the easier and better you are at it. Now if you are up against 20 years of bad practices or self-destructive habits, this will be tough on you, so think of it this way: you are trying to build muscles. The first day will be tough, the second day even worse. Until the next week comes, and you will have to do it again. There’s no other way to go through hell, only through it.

The beauty of this process is nothing actually changes. You know what does? You. The process is still the same. The weights are still the same. The questions are still the same. But your mindset is no longer the same from a few days ago.

And this is where you start to unravel. It is mindblowing when you get it. If you decide to just be and act on that, you will start to do things differently.

• You will walk differently.
• You will look at the sky and the trees more and not stare at that same spot on the pavement when you walk, only to think about what your boss or partner did to you the other day.
• You will accept your self, get real with your quirks, and express them unapologetically.
• You will trust the process and no longer pinch that love handle and wonder when will you ever get to a single-digit body fat and also realize that’s not the goal.
• You will breathe more consciously and you will love silence more.

You are still in the same body, with the same name, with the same voice, but now with a different soul. You will keep doing this until you start being it.

This is when “I will” finally changes to “I am.”