Becoming More Mindful
Dealing with grief
A year has passed since my beloved cousin tragically passed away. So much has happened since, yet, it feels like I haven’t fully lived any of the events that have occurred since. Or at least, I haven’t been fully present.
I’ve tried asking myself, is it the grief? Or me still trying to grasp the concept of death? Or not realising how fast time flies by? Maybe it’s a combination. It has been a hard year but what has made it harder, is feeling like I lost a part of myself that I have been trying to find back. I am slowly getting there.
For a long time, I knew something had changed in me but I was not interested in trying to do anything about it. I thought, whatever, time will do its thing. And that was actually true. Time did do its thing. The pain did not change, but allowing time to pass recharged me and gave me the strength to try to consciously improve my life.
Becoming more mindful was the key to conscious change. For instance, I started paying attention to my reactions and my voice. I noticed that during the past year, I got triggered and I would raise my voice much faster than my usual self. My heartbeat would increase and I would be all tense. This phenomenon occurred often, which sort of created a domino effect. I would be upset and tense very often. Too often. On some level, I knew that I was just hurt and frustrated by the unfortunate events of the past year, which I used to justify my reaction and the decision not to take accountability. Which obviously made everything worse.
A few weeks ago, I felt like I had reached my limit, so I went back home to see my family. Being far away from home, I used this time and distance to reflect and ask myself what I wanted my life to look like. I suddenly realised that I had a positive vision of the future, which wasn’t the case for a long time. This made me realise that I was ready. I knew that to actually make changes, I needed to be more conscious of myself, to be in control of my life.
Some life events such as death are out of our control. Sometimes, our reactions to them are also out of our control. Sometimes, all we need is time. We are human after all. But it’s important not to let ourselves get carried away and ruminate for too long. Once you feel like you’re finally ready, try.
