Birthday Blues
Being unhappy on your birthday
I was raised to be a Jehovah’s Witness.
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate birthdays because of the belief that the celebration is not “Christian”. So, for most of my life, birthdays were just like any other day.
As I got older, I wanted to join in on the tradition. I wanted to show out because I’m getting a year older.
Last year, I did just that. I organised multiple plans with a huge group of friends. My birthday was supposed to be a movie, filled with scenes of joy and laughter.
In reality, it wasn’t as fun. The stress of getting everything sorted, the last-minute cancellations and the change of plans did not make it worthwhile.
Were my expectations too high? Did I take on more than I could handle? Did I expect too much from the people around me?
I do not have answers to those questions. What I did know was this: I did not enjoy it.
It’s March this year. My birthday is in 2 months. What are you doing for your birthday? My friend asked me.
My organising brain went into overdrive. I arranged a list of activities. I researched all the places in London with the cheapest drinks. I emailed restaurants to discuss their availabilities for a big group. All of a sudden, a wave of familiarity hit me. I’ve been here before—last year.
I’m overwhelmed with sadness. If it wasn’t worth it then, it wouldn’t be worth it now.
I stopped the planning in my tracks. My friends were concerned. I expressed my lack of motivation and they reminded me to ‘do what I want to do’.
I wanted community. I wanted my loved ones to show up for me. I wanted an explosion of adoration on my big day.
Unfortunately, not everyone can exude the energy I want.
People fall ill, don’t have enough money, have a family emergency, are forgetful, have other plans that were made too in advance to cancel, or just don’t want to show up.
And that’s okay. It’s unrealistic to expect any different, but it doesn’t stop me from being disappointed.
00:00
It’s my birthday. The “Happy Birthday” texts flood my notifications sporadically throughout the day.
I went to the nail salon, treated myself to takeout, and got dressed up to head out for dinner and drinks.
The “I’m sorry, I can’t make it” texts flew in. People left early as they had work the next day, leaving only a small number of people.
I understand. Life happens.
I’ve told myself that I enjoyed my birthday. It was less stressful, which is what I wanted. However, in reality, I just changed my expectations to avoid disappointment and in doing so, became apathetic.
I don’t know if it made my birthday better than the last.
21:30
I headed home, music blasting through my earphones as the bus arrived at each stop. Sadness crept in like a painkiller was wearing off.
Is this what all future birthdays will be like? Is this adulthood?
One thing for sure is that birthday blues is real.
