“Ctrl+Alt+Love”
5 Ways Control is Disguised as Affection and Manipulation Passes for Love in a Relationship
He almost didn’t make it to the beach that day; it was a Sunday, and he had a meeting scheduled with a problematic client first thing Monday that he’d not really had time to prepare for, but it was his man, Kojo’s engagement party. Attendance was not optional.
Dele spotted Onome as soon as he stepped on the white sands of Oniru beach, and as he walked towards the cabana where she was seated, his first thoughts were: “Omo!, and I almost no show for this thing Oh, village people don fail today. I think I’m about to meet my wife!”
The rest, as they say, is history. The lovebirds hit it off from day one.
They shared laughs and dreams and enjoyed each other’s company with lit nights at Gbogbogbiri, lazy Sunday afternoons browsing at the Nike Art Gallery and Jakande Arts and Crafts Market, and binge-watching all 600 installments of the Fast and Furious franchise.
At first, everything seemed almost perfect, but as their relationship deepened, Dele began to notice subtle signs that all was not well in paradise.
Onome became increasingly invested in every facet of Dele’s life as their relationship developed. She insisted on picking out his clothes for him and was critical when he made selections that didn’t please her.
She made excuses about how she wanted him to look his best, but Dele felt like he was losing his individuality because of it.
Subtly, she devised ways of cutting Dele off from his family and friends because she was “worried” about how they were affecting him.
And slowly but surely, he began to doubt the people who had always been there for him, causing him to feel lonely and missing the real ties he used to value.
Dele’s phone and social media accounts were constantly monitored and snooped on, leaving him feeling smothered and invaded.
Onome would constantly interrogate him about seemingly innocent exchanges with friends and acquaintances, leaving little room for trust or personal space.
And just like that, shit got real, and the honeymoon was over.
If you are still reading this, it’s probably because something about Dele and Onome’s story strikes a chord with you.
Or maybe you are not quite sure if this is happening in your relationship or not.
If either of this is the case, do me a solid, hold that thought, and keep reading to see 5 ways that manipulation and control can show up in relationships, all in the name of love.
1. The Overprotective Oracle
This is when your partner or friend is trying to give the CIA, FBI, and NSA a run for their money with their sixth sense about your safety.
They must just have a direct line to the universe or a global satellite because they always seem to know where you are and who you’re with.
Love is not a prison. Your significant other should be a cheerleader, rooting for your personal growth and respecting your independence.
This behavior is a result of their fear of losing control or their personal insecurities, which causes them to try to monitor and restrict your freedom.
2. The Love Dictator
It looks like someone wants to be the CEO of your full life and is trying like hell to make you a clone, or replica. Their preferences are always cooler, trendier, and more acceptable.
But love should be like a good pair of jeans — fits just right without suffocating your unique style or squeezing the life out of you.
This behavior is a classic power trip, when a person’s need for control outweighs the value of give-and-take and mutual respect.
3. The Social Media Police
So your partner wants to be your social media manager, but without the pay check.
While some may claim that phone snooping is a gesture of love and care, let’s not forget that true trust is based on honest dialogue, not cyber espionage.
Deep-seated feelings of insecurity and a fear of cheating frequently lead to this kind of behavior. However, respect for privacy is important for healthy relationships.
4. The Decision-making Dynamo
They make all the big decisions in your relationship, from how to spend money to unanimously deciding your plans seven years into the future.
They say that it’s for your own good and that they know what’s best for both of you. But love should mean that everyone has an equal say and work together to make decisions.
A need for power and the drive to maintain authority in a relationship are two possible causes of this dominating behavior. It ignores the value of working together and making compromises.
5. The Emotional Evaluator
This is team “I always know what you are thinking” and “I know you more than you know yourself”.
Always judging and criticising how you think and acting like your feelings don’t matter, but love requires understanding and acceptance of your feelings without judging them.
This kind of behavior demonstrates emotional manipulation and a desire to control how you feel, which is frequently a result of the person’s dislike of being emotionally vulnerable.
So, is it really love?
True love welcomes openness, acknowledges differences, and encourages the development of each partner.
Control, on the other hand, is like attempting to swallow an oversized piece of Ram Suya whole — delicious it may be, but it leaves you choking on restrictions and suffocation.
So, imma let you be the judge on this one.
Where do we go from here?
It’s a very individual decision whether or not to end a relationship with someone who is controlling.
If the behavior, however, is persistent and has a negative impact on your independence, joy, and mental health, it may be time to put yourself first and have a serious rethink about the future of the relationship.
Consider how the controlling behavior affects your quality of life as a whole, and put your own well-being and mental health first before making any final decisions.
But if you do decide to stick around and put in the work, I applaud you, and I have some tips that may help you along the way.
Set Boundaries
Decide where you want to draw the line and communicate it with confidence.
Make it plain to the other person that you are not going to accept certain actions and that you want them to respect your space.
Maintain constant watchfulness and be ready to call out any breach of boundaries. In simple terms, when it happens, don’t just let it slide.
Find Support
Discuss your concerns and experiences with a person who can provide you with unbiased feedback and emotional support.
Having a support system might help you gain perspective, validate your emotions, and receive guidance on how to manage the situation.
Stand your ground.
Cultivate the ability to assert yourself in order to effectively communicate your thoughts, emotions, and needs while preserving respect for yourself and others.
Communicate your choices and feelings without condemning or accusing the controlling person. Clear and direct communication may help develop mutual understanding.
Build yourself
Develop your sense of self-worth and self-esteem by doing things that help you grow and make you happy.
Focus on your skills, make and reach your own goals, and be around people who are good for you.
Having a higher sense of self-worth can help you reject the efforts of people trying to control you and help you make choices that are in line with your own values and goals.
See a Therapist
If the controlling behavior gets worse despite your efforts, you might want to talk to a therapist.
A professional can help you understand the complexities, give you guidance that is right for you and your situation, and assist you in coming up with ways to protect your mental health.
It is essential to keep in mind that these solutions may not immediately address the problem and that the choice of whether or not to apply them should be dependent on how they affect your safety and well-being.
So till next time, my young lovers, Peace out.
Hey there! My name is Afay and I am a mental health professional. I enjoy bringing ideas to life through my content and creative writing skills.
If you like what you just read check out my e books here: https://selar.co/m/OversabiTherapist
