Don’t Call Me Old Fashioned But...
I expect him to pay on the first date.
Now before we get too deep into my opinions regarding dating, I want to preface this by saying that I am married. I have been with my husband since I was 19 and next year we will have been together 12 years together, 3 years married. My boyfriend before my husband was a friend and then we were more than friends. I don’t count any of the relationships before that and they most certainly did NOT involve dates.
Even my husband and I didn’t date. At least not in the traditional sense. We met at university so there was a lot of hanging out in each other's dorms or at social events on campus. So yes, my dating history is almost non-existent and it might not be very 2021 of me but I stand by my statement. I expect him to pay on the first date.
I feel like the word “expectation” has a bad reputation. It is almost as if people expect you to not expect anything. You might want to read that again because I don’t get it — do you get it? When looking for a long term partner, how do you “date with purpose” successfully with no expectations? If the word expectation isn’t sitting right with, use standards. I believe in setting standards for both yourself and a partner and standing firm in those standards.
Why Do I Think He Should Pay?
Although I haven’t had the opportunity to date casually, I know I am not a casual dater. If I were to date I would date with purpose and that purpose would be to find a husband. If my goal is to find a husband, it makes little sense to date a man who isn’t aligned with my expectations of said husband. My chosen partner would consider it part of his role to provide for his family. He would be comfortable and confident in this role. And before there is mass hysteria, I do not solely mean financial provision.
I want to be with someone who believes that my well-being is his responsibility. Someone who believes that he has an active role in every facet of our relationship. A potential partner willingly offering to pay for the first date is the first signal that he might meet my expectations. If he is generous with his resources in this case money, I think it is a good sign he would be generous with his other resources such as his time and effort when it comes to the relationship.
I had a work colleague whose partner earned significantly more than her but insisted they split everything 50/50. She couldn’t afford to eat well-balanced meals in order to pay her unevenly split (in my opinion) bills. This doesn’t signify a person that believes his partner’s well-being is his responsibility. On the surface, it might appear to be just a monetary issue and after all, it is HIS money, right? Well yes, but what about the other costs? Most importantly her physical and emotional health? Is it acceptable that he accepts no responsibility for his life partner’s physical and emotional health? In my opinion, it is not. All I know is, I couldn’t date a man who took his disposable income and played golf on weekends, whilst I sit at home broke, eating beans on toasts because it is “HiS MoNey”.
I would bet money on the fact that he would think it was only fair they split the bill on their first date. I would also bet money on the fact that she did not think this arrangement was fair. Finally, I would bet money that she didn’t feel it was acceptable to demand better treatment. If we are building a life together, we should be working together to create something mutually beneficial. If not, don’t waste my time.
I Expect, You Expect, We Expect
Let’s be real, society has a lot of expectations of women. I won’t say men because it isn't just them, we buy into it too. We all do #socialisation. Most of these are to the detriment of a women’s independence and autonomy actively working to uphold the patriarchy. We are bombarded by tropes telling us the type of women men want; the doting housewife, the cool girl or the independent woman. As well as the type of women men don’t want; the career girl, the gold digger or the “feminazi”. These are expectations and the way you are treated will depend on which category you fit into according to the guy you’re dating.
In my humble opinion, these tropes are nothing but attempts to keep women small, undemanding and quiet. They allow subpar partners to get away with unacceptable behaviour because the women are so busy policing themselves. Women are expected to be dependant but not too needy, attractive but not too sexy, nurturing but not nagging, independent but not too ambitious.
And it doesn't stop there. I can’t earn more than him but god forbid I am a golddigger. I shouldn’t expect him to open doors for me or pull out my seat but my interest in women’s rights should be moderate. Despite all of these expectations, for some men and women, it is one step too far for a woman to expect the man to pay for the first date.
Be Bold in Your Expectations
In my conversations with women about dating most seem to find it uncomfortable to state that they expect the man to pay on the first date. Their response typically begins with a disclaimer, because God forbid they offend someone with their expectations.
I would prefer him to pay but I would always offer. I do find it a bit of a turn off if he accepts.
I always go dutch on the first date that way there are no expectations.
I have heard explanations ranging from splitting the bill to avoid expectations of sex, being seen as a gold digger or wanting to prove their independence. They sound like reputation management to me. A way to prove to the man you are dating that you are desirable and worthy of his time.
This is where I take issue. If he is so BOLD to expect sex as a result of buying you a meal on a date he most likely asked you out on and planned. How can it be unacceptable for her to be so brazen to expect him to pay? Let’s take this a step further, if a man expects the majority of the labour to be done by the women when it comes to child-rearing, why is it unacceptable for her to expect him to be the breadwinner? Both are contributing heavily to the relationship but socially, his contribution is seen as both more reasonable and more valuable. I call BS.
Are we as women asking ourselves enough, if he is worthy of our time? From the stories I have heard, I think not. Society has us so concerned with our desirability and this imaginary competition against other women that it is easy to forget, this is a two-way street.
Ladies, forget your training. Be bold in your expectations, make that list and make it long. Having wants and needs does not make you high maintenance, unreasonable or undesirable. The person who describes you are such is not your person. We can and should expect more out of our partners, damn it out of life. When you find that man, worthy of your time, you then get to decide together the rules of your mutually beneficial life. And I guarantee you will have a better time than my old work colleague.
This is About More Than Just Money
I have used money as an example throughout but this is about more than just money.
This is about respect.
This is about sharing the load.
This is feeling comfortable saying this is what I deserve.
This is about demanding a mutually beneficial relationship.
my opinions about what makes a mutually beneficial relationship are just that, my own. But I think we can all agree that if all you have is a zero-sum arrangement, you would be better off alone?
Anyone who feels entitled to take more in a relationship than they give, irrespective of the cost to their partner has a lot of growing to do is best to be avoided. Figure out what you require from a partner, what you are willing and unwilling to give, accept and tolerate. Work out how to decipher if your date meets your expectations early on and don’t be afraid to call it quits if they fall short.
