F*ck the Rule Book
How quitting my toxic job lead me down the path of self-discovery and redefining what success meant for me.
If you knew me, I would ask you, who am I to you? How do I appear? I was once described as an enigma (an enigma: a person or thing that is mysterious or difficult to understand). To this day I have no idea what that man chose to see in me to describe me as such, but it has stuck with me and now and then I wonder, who or what exactly did he see and was that person, really me?
I am certain of only a few things in life and one of them is that how I see myself and how others see me, are ions apart. I have been described as successful, yet here I am writing this, with no idea what or where (if anywhere) this piece of my mind will end up or if anyone will ever read it. I am currently unemployed after leaving a well paid but soul-crushing work environment. And I have no plan, not yet anyway.
Does this sound like success to you?
Self-Doubt Is the Thief of All Joy
Do we all walk through life constantly doubting, criticising, shaming & hating ourselves just enough to be unable to see what others see? Just me…? I wish I could go back in time and ask that man — What do you see? Who am I to? What do you think I am capable of? Good or bad, what captured your attention? Have we all spent too much time cosying up to our inner critique, so thoroughly convinced of our inadequacy that the very idea that someone doesn’t see a blinking neon sign above our heads, listing each and every failure, hiccup, or moment of imperfection seems ludicrous?
Life is forcing me to confront my idea of success. To question it, turn it over in my hands, try on my old outfits and throw out every item that no longer fits. Currently, I have nothing left to wear. I have reached most of the supposed milestones of “success” and yet I do not feel successful because what I have is not enough. I have not achieved enough, earned enough, seen enough, brought enough, saved enough. I am not confident enough, calm enough, worthy enough. You name it, it is never enough.
If our view of ourselves is so skewed and biased then how can we truly determine when we have reached success? Wouldn’t the goal post constantly move and shift under the ever glowing judgement of “not good enough”?
I think I have quite succinctly demonstrated my own point.
The Game is Rigged
The idea that we can question what success means to us, on an individual level is a well-kept secret during our formative years. We are left unable to easily imagine another version of success, of reality. We are so thoroughly and effectively conditioned.
I would consider myself someone who isn’t afraid to question things and make my own judgements. But in the pursuit of success, I blindly, obediently followed a blueprint that was not right for me and it took me 30 years and some pretty intense burnout to say enough is enough. Certain events over the last few years have opened my eyes and made me question everything. I want to live slowly and purposefully. Live gently and presently. Soaking it up and relishing in it, the good and the bad. This game, the game we have been playing ever since we were little, in school, university and then in the corporate world. It doesn’t fit. There are bits of me that I have to deny or hide to fit in here. Parts of me that I have to take off, parts I have to borrow and wear as if I am playing dress-up. My blackness and my womanhood are the main two offenders.
I do not want to play anymore.
My Idea of Success
Not having to pretend is my idea of success. I want authenticity, I want collaboration. I want to be me, a flawed, unique, black woman where ever I go, in whatever I do and I do not want to have to apologise for it. I am anti-social, reserved, I do not like small talk. I hate pubs, I do not like clubbing and I would rather poke my eyes out than network with people I do not know and that do not care about me. I am loyal and determined. I am kind and a bit funny if I do say so myself. I am nurturing, I love very hard and very deep but I am also anxious. I am heavily self-critical and I have little self-belief. But I am here and I am trying my best. And I just want to know why that can’t just be ENOUGH?
There were infinite possibilities in how humanity could have carved out an existence on this planet and I just can’t figure out why we decided YES this is the one! Let’s all work more than we play, have material things determine our worth and whilst you’re at it leave humanity at the door please — that’s your entrance fee.
Success Is Yours To Own
Outside all of the external markers of success so highly valued by society, many of us have succeeded in so many ways. In ways we are told do not matter. Only we get to decide which markers external or internal are of the most value to us. Overcoming trauma, giving that presentation at work despite your anxiety or aversion to public speaking. Breaking up with your long term partner because it just wasn’t right. Quitting that job you hate, or taking a job that whilst may not be perfect, will get you one step closer to your dream job.
For me, my biggest success culminated in quitting my job. It was a loud undeniable commitment that I chose me.
Deciding that what I wanted was worth it, that my happiness was worth it. That my voice was worth listening to and what I had to say was important. To say no and to say it loudly in so many ways and to commit to continuing to do so.
Despite recognising the insanity, the inherent flaws in how the current system works. I still struggle to put together a picture of an alternative life. One that encompasses me, that allows me to live as authentically as possible. I know I can pave my own way, write my own story, build this brick by brick and then live in it. I mean just take a look on Instagram — there’s a whole subset of society “living their dream life”, every third person is selling some course to help you “uplevel”. And whilst, I really would appreciate some guidance — I do not think social media is where my answer lies. I stumbled across a post the other day which sums up my point perfectly:
There’s a lot of advice on the internet. A lot of posts. A lot of books. A lot of podcasts. A lot of information to consume. But I hope you know that at the end of the day the most important knowledge is within you. What feels true to you? What feels right to you? What lights you up? That’s the gold. @Jamievaron
So my current plan is to discover what feels right for me, what lights me up. To identify how life outside of the predetermined blueprint might look to me. To discover passions long forgotten or replaced and give me the time to explore myself again. To scrap the rule book and remind myself that all these rules are fake.
I do believe the answers are within, but I also believe that outside inspiration can serve as a timely and necessary reminder that we are not on an impossible journey. That it is not only possible but an essential mission to accomplish. So I want to share a few resources that have provided me with hope and inspiration to keep going and fight for a life I want:
The Midnight Library — Matt Haig (This book reminded me that despite my perceived failures and hardships, there was beauty in my life)
JamieVaron — Instagram (Daily inspiration and positive motivation)
MorganHarperNichols — Instagram (Daily inspiration and positive motivation)
FrankandFeel — Instagram (Journal prompts)
Have you felt that your version of success has changed lately? How did you go about redefining success for yourself? Any resources you would recommend?
Thank you so much for reading! I will be sharing parts of my journey to redefining success in the hopes to make it all feel a little less daunting and hopefully whilst I rediscover my love of writing, I rediscover parts of me as well. I’d love it if you followed me so that we could support each other. I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback.
