Gastro-Communal Play — Act #1. Who’s the Boss?
The first story describing the grocery basket of the neighbors we had to live with.
The Prologue
Three years ago, I quit my business and left a small Russian town for St.Petersburg with my wife and child. We lived in rented apartments for a year and a half, sharing with owners or other similar tenants. Cramped, but we just had to get through it, we couldn’t afford anything better at the time.
The Russian playwright Mikhail Ugarov told his students that they should not invent the plot of the play, but take it from life. If the writer is lucky enough to become a participant in this everyday drama, his play will become even more alive and authentic.
Rental housing is an inevitable collision with people. The kitchen became my stage and auditorium, where I both watched and participated in the life of my neighbors. With today’s story, I open the cycle “Gastro-Communal Play”, in which I will describe not only the grocery basket of our neighbors, but I will tell you who was in charge in those houses, and some of what happened.
Characters in the Play
Serge — a-man-thinking-he’s-the-Master
Natasha — a wife, the Master
Mother — a woman who formed “the-man-thinking-he’s-the-Master.”
Two or three friends of the Master
Setting
Russia, St.Petersburg, Zagorodny Ave., 17, fourth floor. А communal apartment housing four families.
We lived in a communal apartment with four rooms owned by nine people. The owners themselves live in two rooms, and two are rented out. Our landlord, an intelligent old-fashioned lady, then lived in the USA.
One of the owners, a young couple with a child, is the most interesting of all. This is an ordinary family, all provincials, but the husband came to St.Petersburg as a child, so he boldly called himself a Petersburger. His highly connected mother managed to help him get a job as a system administrator at the local library.
Natasha, a young strong village girl from the south, was of average height and build. She loved to watch TV shows and cook while her husband was at work and the child was in kindergarten. Perhaps she would have done some other activities, but it seemed that she forgot about her interests after marriage.
Scene 1. Diet
Once a week they went to the grocery shop. For some reason, the list of important products included a box of special ‘child-friendly’ hypoallergenic juice. I worked in Russian marketing, and I know that calling juice ‘for kids’ can increase the price by 30%. They took this goo at sales in incredible volumes.
They were struck by everything on the shelves in bright packages, so they rarely bought regular food. Let me explain the magic. If this family was forced to choose between porridge in a simple plastic bag and a beautiful box, they chose the latter option, even if it was twice the price. There always was a row of bright boxes packed like bullets in a machine gun magazine on their shelf: oatmeal, rice, five cereals, nuts, and something labeled “fitness.”
They bought several pounds of fresh meat and a few whole fish. Natasha had a lot of free time and modern household appliances, so when they got home she rolled up her sleeves and twisted the minced meat in a manual meat grinder, squeezed carrots through her juicer, cooked broths in a slow cooker, and put the blanks in the freezer.
One day, I decided to take their example and bought groceries for $100. The experiment failed. The minced meat was initially spoiled, some vegetables “died” already in the refrigerator, and my wife still reminds me of the olives that dried up on the table. Since then, I have been buying food for a maximum of a couple of days. Sometimes I freeze chicken or fish and I don’t buy ready-made food if I can help it.
Scene 2. Environment
Often during the day, less fortunate friends came to Natasha. Those who have reached St.Petersburg, but have not yet found a husband. I tried to stay out of the kitchen when the women had their afternoon tea. Although they drank until Natasha’s husband came home from work. So, at times, I had to get out of the room and endure their chat. Out of the frying pan, into the fire.
I’m not a hypocrite, but it was unbearable to listen to them talking about the latest news, popular culture, and even sometimes Helen’s sex life? Who is Helen? Oh, and the greedy men. I forced myself to go to the kitchen, fried some potatoes quickly, and ran back into the room. Unbeknownst to me, I had become a character in the play too.
I expected creativity, a lofty and subtle appreciation of beauty from Petersburgers. In a communal apartment, I learned well that we do not visit all of those St.Petersburg museums, theaters and galleries, but lived in them. Dreams were shattered by a harsh life.
Scene 3. Who’s the boss in the house
Girls, you shouldn’t underestimate the power of the male stomach, because a man can be and should be controlled by delicious food. We produce the hormone of happiness not only from sex but also from a stable menu.
Frequently, when Natasha was dissatisfied with her husband’s behavior, he had to run around the kitchen for a long time to collect “something” for himself for dinner. He did not see cutlets in a pan and pasta in a saucepan. His mom taught that the right food is on the plate, his wife supported this idea, and both of them successfully used the domestic helplessness of their boy to their advantage.
Serge was a serious business executive and a classic “machismo”. He tried to maintain order in the apartment, demanding silence after 22.00 and he cleaned the riser pipes himself. All considered, very boring.
He ate what his wife put on the plate, taking the advice of his mother, and he had no right to complain, nor any compunction.
