Goodbye Old Friend -My Love — October Competition
If all the beasts were gone, Man would die of a great loneliness of spirit. — Chief Seattle1854
It is a week now since I said goodbye to my precious little beastie.
At 14 years old she was no spring chicken and with various health complications, her wellbeing had deteriorated rapidly over the previous two weeks. The inevitable loomed and my heartfelt crushed.
The decision was made and out of nowhere, the awful day arrived.
The process was quick and just too clinical. Our vet took her from us and brought her back a few minutes later with a small catheter inserted in her tiny little arm.
Another few minutes for a last brief moment together. She was alert as ever, her little head observed everything from the comfort of her pink and white chequered blanket. and then he administered his syringe of whatever.
A short squirt, a muffled growl and my girl grew suddenly sleepy, that tiny head dropping slightly and those eyelids drooping. A final squirt and almost instantly my wonderful friend of 14 years slumped and lay still in my arms. The tear valve was smashed and a hopeless sense of loss and betrayal descended upon me.
As her still body lay on the vet's table still wrapped in her blanket I kissed her head, her tiny paw and buried my wet face in her fluffy chest. Then we left.
In the car on the way home my wife broke down and cried bitterly. She hasn’t done that again. I break down almost every day and find myself crying in private. When I got home I had to pack all my girls things away and quickly stuff them in the attic, I can’t bear seeing them. All I left behind was her pink blanket and best teddy toy laid in front of her favourite lookout window. I’m just punishing myself I know because whenever I see them I pick them up and breathe in the puppy dog smell she never seemed to lose. What the hell is wrong with me? She was only a dog after all. Well, that’s the point I suppose. To me, she was so much more.
My friend, my nurse, my psychiatrist, my listening, never judging ear and my quiet constant comfort.
God, I miss her so much. I really am struggling to cope and it makes me feel pathetic. Just when I think I am getting a handle on my loss my alarm goes off in the morning and I find myself listening out for those little paws as they patter across the tiles. My wake up call, her wake up call. The certain knowledge that I will lean over the edge of the bed, stare into that eager upturned face and pick her up for a few minutes of cuddle time before getting out of bed and starting the day. The end of the day is yet another challenge. When I arrive home and open the front door I don’t see that little body vibrating in excitement at my arrival, her tail beating like a mad metronome against the entrance table. Go to the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. Man, I really am struggling!
Get a grip of yourself dammit! Life continues. We accept the empty spaces left behind by those whom we loved. But this was my dog, not a human being. Most people simply can’t understand why it is such a big deal to me so I just won’t discuss it.
So how do you cope dealing with your broken heart when nobody seems to understand how the absence of your little friend has affected you so deeply?
We must understand that a dog has a limited life span in comparison to a human being. We must understand that the odds are we will inevitably outlive them. In the case of my girl, 14 years was a good inning by most accounts and I must express my gratitude for that time.
We must acknowledge that they were cared for and loved and they knew it. We must let go of the guilt that we feel over being the one to make the decision to end their lives — a decision made out of love and compassion and nothing else.
We must cherish the memories and fun we had together. We must understand that in terms of life and love there is no such thing as forever — at least not in the sense of being physically present.
Groucho Marx said that “Time wounds all heels”. But it also heals all wounds. It is the one guarantee we have that the pain from loss diminishes with the passage of time. The caveat — it takes time.
Don’t feel ashamed for having such intense feelings over the loss of an animal. The bond built between a dog and a human can be just as powerful as that with another human being. In some instances even more so, if only for the simple fact that the love and loyalty they give in return is always totally unconditional and without reservation.
And so I must force myself to let go, not of my memories, for they will always be chiselled on my heart. I must forget her constant presence, her cheeky bark for attention and the never-failing quiet comfort she brought to any room we shared together.
I miss you so very much my girl, my little love!
