Have I Been Possessed?…. Or Is It Just Me Anyway

A little journey through the backwaters of my mind

Photo by Matthew Henry on Unsplash

Recently, I have been meditating while in the sauna after a gym session. I love this ‘me’ time — it’s generally quiet, with no electronics close to interfere, and hopefully, I am on my own.

I can sit in perfect reflection — looking into the mirror of my feelings, hoping to see something looking back at me. Most times it’s a thought — sometimes images. I’ve seen some great dragons and eagles. Even if any of this is just self-created visions, it is great entertainment.

However, I do get a thought — sometimes I have a conversation with myself. This is a habit I have been doing for years, usually through tears of internal torment while trying to figure out how to navigate life.

Tonight, it may just be advice for me — sometimes from someone else close to me. It may come as a voice — or more often, a feeling or an emotion that I then transform into a phrase or saying.

My recent journey into trying to follow and understand myself has led me down the route of intuition — catch my other mumblings on Medium. It has been a fascinating time, full of uneasy situations and exploration of who I am and who I have always been, but something that I had denied.

I know the true me — or at least I am more comfortable accepting the true me — the person who has had many, many years of troubles or being accused of being weird — the crazy one — the guy with the off-the-wall ideas — the brain that never settles — the electric mind of mayhem.

Call me what you want! It has been traumatic at times to be labeled as a misfit. But I’m not. I have had a troubled past, trying to navigate through this modern world. Technology is like a drug to me. But it’s the more simple things — the things that make us human and the vibrant people that we are — that interest me the most.

My possession. My recent thought was from a voice — a voice that has popped into my head a number of times. A voice that has caused me many issues — the voice that makes me want to drink. This voice is like the siren of old — singing a delectable song — drawing me to the bottle — then to darkness that only more drink drags me into.

The voice I heard was not of me but of someone else — it’s whiny — then can be very forceful but always very persuasive. I have succumbed to it many hundreds if not thousands of times and headed to the warm glow of those first few mouthfuls of booze.

But that’s not this intended destination — it wants blackout — it wants me to pass out and to be free of any control whatsoever. This is my possession, this is the past that has taken residence.

My meditation told me several things:

1. I grew up in a house built on the site of a pub called The Camel.
2. During my time growing up, I had challenges — this enticed me into Ouija boards.
3. During these years, a soulless life form took residence — willingly on my behalf in me.
4. It was part of the reason I fell into drink so heavily and so young, at 15!

So a tortured teenager — looking for help and solace — looking for answers to growing up — partnered unknowingly with an alcoholic from the pub, resident in the grounds I was living in. Fanciful? Maybe, but the conclusion of now 500 days of sobriety. My mind is crystal sharp, and I can feel the withdrawing passage of this being as I work to rid it of me.

My spiritual teachings have told me the basics — offer love — offer up why staying with me is not a great option while moving back to the light is a much better idea. I am trying all these — it seems to be working — I feel lighter! I feel less drawn to the bottle of wine my wife has on the side or the smells from my mate’s Guinness after a round of golf.

So now my logical brain wants to take center stage — it tells me what a load of make-believe that is — it’s just my adult brain wandering around finding something interesting to mind chat about — then develop it into a story.

But my intuition, which I am developing a trust bond with — this part of me that makes me more human and less automated, this part of my soul that loves birdsong and nature more than ever — as much as I did when I cast my mind back a long, long way before my teens. This part of my soul — this part knows I am right.

I will continue on my journey to cleanse my soul of this passenger — my gut tells me even though I may get him to leave — there will be remnants to clean up — rather like evicting a dirty old pisshead from a flat that’s lived there for many years — it will need to be cleaned and tidied, and the spot it had redecorated to welcome in my more positive thoughts — and not another unwelcome visitor.

I am far from an expert in any of this — kind of grabbing what I can and doing what I feel is right. “Feel” being the key.

I also know there are others to deal with — no surprise to people that know me, who have always said — jokingly — that it’s a crowded place in my head.

For now, I am going to try and establish a kind of connection — a warm place we can meet and see who serves me best. I know there is at least one other self-destructive soul in me — he’s looking over my shoulder, smirking and encouraging the challenge. My right shoulder for anyone who knows.

But I’m happy and starting to feel more grounded — I can sense more and can feel empathy stronger. I have looked into educating myself in these areas — of course, Google is the place to start, but that just becomes a rabbit hole of self-serving people who are trying to create a corner of the internet for themselves.

Where can you find genuine, honest people? It’s the same place I start to find a decent painter or plumber — ask those I trust that I know. This list is short — very short, in fact — but for now, I will plow my own furrow — it’s working for now, as the result is a happier me.

Does anyone need help? Maybe.

My advice will be simple — there is no go-to reference library for this — it’s driven by feeling and therefore intuition. You do need a shoulder to lean on — rightly or wrongly, their advice will at least help you avoid some tragic mistakes. See that guy with the dark aura? Avoid him. The one with the big white beard and smile, he’s okay — but don’t follow the one with the mischievous smile having the fun time — that’s a path very well traveled and will just end up full circle in a dark place.

What am I doing next? I’m creating a mental safe place as well. I am envisioning somewhere I can go with my thoughts — when I am opening my mind to allow any thought to enter. But also, this place where I am completely surrounded by love and light. There is no danger to me in here. I can sit and watch my own world and its world doing its thing — in here, I see the odd shape wandering in — a feeling, sometimes a memory, sometimes a memory of someone else.