Having It All
A capitalist ploy towards women? Having “what” all?
As a working mom who recently stepped out of the workforce for the first time, I occasionally muse on “having it all.” I hear or see women telling other women they can “have it all” a lot — and it’s usually coming from working moms. I haven’t heard this phrase from men, though some have told me they were “living the dream,” dripping with sarcasm. As someone who may have failed at “having it all,” my reaction is two-fold: a) it’s not possible in a capitalist society, and b) having what all?
My lived experience is that “all” does not include sanity. I know many women who appear to be working themselves to exhaustion, holding down a full-time job, keeping the house clean, raising children, emotionally supporting a spouse, and maintaining some regular cadence of “me time” by getting massages or planning night outs with girlfriends. It’s exhausting just reading that sentence! While some women may start with stronger mental health than I, it’s hard for me to believe all these women who “have it all” retain mental stability.
I managed to cover a lot of bases in life and maintain a hold on my sanity before my son came along. I worked full-time, did the majority of household duties, fostered a healthy marriage, and had an active social life. But after my son turned two and a big work project had wrapped up, it became necessary to reduce my hours to 4 days a week to reduce anxiety and get my sanity back on solid footing. I outsourced cleaning and never cooked, so my household responsibilities were minimal. Then I decided to start an evening and weekend master’s program. Was this “having it all?”
If so, I was soon derailed. My grad program was very time-consuming and stressful. Increased socializing led to drinking a lot more. “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” “It’s wine o’clock.“ I lived these expressions and heard them frequently from working women and mommies in my social circles. Play dates and kids' birthday parties were usually boozing affairs. Maybe “having it all” requires copious alcohol? Is the road to “having it all” just a slow slide into alcoholism? Maybe not, but that tracks with my observations. To avoid the slippery slope to alcoholism, I opted to begin therapy. Shortly after, a pandemic hit.
If you believed in COVID, nobody was “having it all” any more. Although COVID was a tragedy of epic proportions globally, my mental health was better off with the quarantining. It allowed me to catch my breath. I had to pick up house cleaning, but removed socializing, commuting for work and grad school, school pick up/drop off, and other school-related duties (my son was remote schooling). I was still drinking, but not quite as much, due to lessened socializing and the need to report back in therapy. I didn’t feel the pressure to “have it all” any more. It simply wasn’t an option.
As the vaccines and boosters became prevalent and the capitalists told us to go back to “normal,” I quickly felt overwhelmed. I switched jobs for the first time in 11 years. The new job was full-time and required commuting an hour each way two times per week. With my son back at school in person, school-related responsibilities picked back up. At least I had finished grad school.
The pace of the workplace post-pandemic, along with the general feel of our capitalist society, seemed frenetic and in hyperdrive. The renewed call to “have it all” thundered across women in my network. This correlated to an onslaught of social engagements, which were likely to challenge my attempts to moderate drinking. I managed to keep socializing and drinking in check. But after many months of “having it all” again, I decided it wasn’t sustainable for me and told my boss I was quitting.
Did I fail at “having it all,” or is my “it” just different than others? Are there folks who succeed at having it all without sacrificing sobriety or sanity? Or is “having it all” just a capitalist strategy to make women work harder and absorb the punches of modern life?
Capitalism frowns on a willingness to live on a smaller budget by consuming less. Capitalism doesn’t benefit when I spend more time at home with my family or do my own yardwork with simple tools or elbow grease. Capitalism isn’t happy when I compare grocery prices and hit several stores to cook frugal and healthy meals to avoid restaurants. Capitalism definitely doesn’t want me to grow my own food unless I’ll buy all sorts of structures and gadgets to aid the process. Capitalism discourages sobriety.
Maybe Capitalism didn’t invent the phrase “having it all,” but it certainly agrees with it. If we keep the phrase, those who abide by “it” should identify a meaning that truly brings happiness and feeds the soul. Life is too short to strive for a nebulous platitude.
