Healing from Avoidant Attachment
Relearning to build an emotional connection with people is hard, but it is doable.
I grew up with busy parents. They had no time to listen to my story as they were tired from work. My parents expected me to excel at school. A child who can do anything was their pride. Becoming a top student was the way to get their attention. As I grew up, I developed a strong sense of independence. But something was wrong. I have a hard time trusting people, prefer to be alone, and feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to me. Later, I realize I have an avoidant attachment due to my parents' parenting style.
I hit my emotional rock bottom a few years ago. In addition, with the pandemic lockdown in a new country, I was stuck. I need a way out of the situation. Slowly, I started to talk to friends who studying psychology. I read some self-help books. I follow some therapists on social media.
My life was hard. I was so close to having a face-to-face session with a therapist. But at that time, I was talking to my siblings about my condition. They advised me to seek professional help if I can’t take it anymore. It was a fight inside me. Why do I feel like this? Why am I becoming this kind of person? Is it my choice that I become this person?
Last year I decided to take a healing journey seriously. Due to my attachment, I prefer distance from my parents. I never celebrated my birthday with them since I left the house. But last year, I took the courage to come home. At first, it was awkward. But as I want to improve my relationship with them, it was a good step. I also noticed that they reciprocate it with a willingness to listen to my story. The attention that I craved for years.
Becoming an adult with avoidant attachment is tiring. I crave human connection, but I have no idea how to make it. I got no one to be a model when I was growing up. I remember in my early adult — I used to push people away when they get close to me. I have many acquaintances but no close friends.
As I am on my healing journey, I understand who I am now due to my parents parenting style. It is what it is. No use if I resent them. I learn to accept the fact. Also, I unlearn it and learn new things.
People see me as an independent person who doesn’t need anyone in life. But in fact, I have difficulties getting closer to people, especially in a new environment.
Currently, I live in an environment that has strict men’s and women’s relationships in social settings. People easily misunderstand if the opposite gender wants to become a friend. I have had some uncomfortable experiences with it. It shut me down. I relearn how to make friends.
My goal this year is to have a healthy relationship with people. I used to hold back my emotions. It is hiding somewhere inside me. I learn how to express my needs and how I feel. Also, shifting from rigid to flexible boundaries helps me to compromise with people.
What I learn to build healthy emotional connections:
1. Active listening
It is my number one tip to get into a secure attachment. Active listening includes being present and paying attention to the person listening with eye contact and head nods. I practice it with anyone including the cleaner or shopkeeper. It shows significant improvement in my relationship with people.
2. Share openly
To create a better understanding of people, I practice sharing my vulnerabilities. I rarely ask others for help. Learning how to ask for help is a challenge for me. I must admit that I need others’ help. It allows them to give support or accountability to nurture a deeper connection.
3. Hold the space
The old me always feel the need to fix someone’s problem. In the healing journey, I practice holding space for people to feel their emotional experiences. I use validating statements without having the urge to fix them. It helps them to feel seen and heard. It is a way to improve better connection.
4. Self-compassion
I used to beat myself if anything goes wrong. Accepting that I have no control over something is so liberating. Also, being compassionate makes me kinder to myself. I am human and everyone goes through it.
Being on a healing journey is tough. I need to acknowledge my difficult emotions. I have times when I want to share my vulnerabilities but am scared about people’s reactions. Sometimes it takes too many emotions that I need to take a break from the process. But that’s okay. I take my time. Also, not anyone wants to become my friend. I build a connection with people who wants the same thing with me.
