How a Magic Mushroom Trip Helped Me With My Anger
Can a psychedelic experience change the way we react to the world? I truly believe so.
Despite of my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage.
The Smashing Pumpkins
I have always been an angry guy, and most people that know me don’t know it. That’s because most of the time, I’m a pretty joyful, fun person. Only the ones closest to me have witnessed my occasional anger explosions. It has been happening since I can remember, maybe since my early teens, at least.
And, despite not being able to find a specific root cause of that behavior, I do remember being constantly bullied for being way too skinny and not as strong as my friends. It was the 90s, bullying was considered a regular thing, and one was expected to defend itself simply. And defend myself, I did.
As I wasn’t physically strong to do it based on force, It became my natural defense mechanism to unleash all my anger over the aggressor, charging with absolutely no control. It usually worked, and I was able to scare off guys way bigger than me on several occasions.
But if going full berserker could help a 90s boy face bullying, It can damage an adult’s life forever. Having an anger outburst at work or in front of your kids simply isn’t acceptable. And burying the feeling is not a long-term solution.
I need to say I never hurt anyone, but myself (not even the bullies, I was too weak for that, it worked more as a terror warfare weapon) even though I needed to change how I reacted to adversities and do it quickly, before something more serious happened and impacted my family or my career.
And then I heard about psychedelics…
At first, I was absolutely against the idea of an LSD or mushroom trip or that it could be beneficial for my mental and physical health, But after reading a couple of books and watching documentaries, I decided to give psychedelics a try. So I packed and went to the Netherlands for a 3-day legal psychedelic retreat in a lovely Dutch town, about 30 minutes from Amsterdam.
At the retreat, we drank tea made of truffles that contain psilocybin, the same substance found in magic mushrooms. The trip itself was amazing, by far the most significant personal experience I ever had. But today, we are interested in the outcome, not the trip itself.
After my psychedelic experience, everything feels lighter. The problems feel smaller and easier to deal with. Situations that used to trigger bad behaviors were still there, but the trigger was not as irresistible as before. Sometimes I still feel the anger growing inside, but now it is easier to simply acknowledge it and let it go. The anger doesn’t take over like before.
It is not perfect, though. After 3 months of the experience, I had my first genuine angry reaction. A piece of work-related news drove me to be taken over by anger once again. Nevertheless, this time it was easier to come back from the explosion and apologize for it. It was easier to make my brain work rationally again and create a course of action to deal with the situation.
I still have a lot to improve, but the help I got from that small truffle is immense. It is like years of therapy were condensed into a sunny afternoon in the Dutch countryside.
