How I Learnt the Secret of Success in My First Job — By Failing Miserably
If you think that being stuck in a rut in your career has anything to do with your work, your boss or your company culture — my story may make you think again.
I remember being keen when I was with the graduate intake during our training in an international bank — but then losing my fire when I started my first job in Sharjah (just down the road from Dubai.)
What happened? What was the trigger that turned me from a keen economics student and an enthusiastic trainee into a deflated executive?
Was it really the work? Was it the environment? Was it the people?
Or was it something inside me?
I had a huge amount to learn. And that had been my forte up to then. When I got to Sharjah I had to learn about the work and outlooks of my staff (Emiratis, Indians, Pakistanis and Palestinians), the operational systems, and the way the banking products worked.
But I hit a roadblock.
When I asked people how things worked, I got a bit of information mixed with a mild brushoff. I thought this was only natural, as they weren’t accustomed to explaining how things were done. They just did them as a result of routine, and never thought much about the how’s and why’s.
But I needed to know more than that. I needed all the information I could get, so that I could work out how to improve our customer service, which wasn’t up to par. I needed to politely persist, dig deeper and push through the challenge of persuading people to open up.
But after being brushed off a few times, I gave up. I became disheartened. I didn’t have the grit I needed to stick with my aims until I succeeded.
The truth is, I didn’t accept myself in my role as a manager, as someone who had to know these things in order to do my job well. More than that, I actually felt like my staff were in some way better than me, more important than me. I felt that somehow I was not on the same level as them. At the time I was unaware of this. All I knew was that I was unhappy because I couldn’t do what I wanted to improve things.
And so I blamed my unhappiness on my being in the wrong career. I wrote to my parents back in England saying that I thought banking was not for me.
I completely misjudged the true source of my misery. And today, knowing myself as I do, I know that if I had been able to pinpoint the true source of my unhappiness I would have solved the problem and enjoyed my banking work.
I didn’t quit just then, but suffered through 6 more years until, at the age of 31, I did quit.
I never recovered.
It wasn’t the work. It wasn’t the bank. And it wasn’t the people. It was my lack of self-worth. It was all internal.
Without dealing with my self-worth problem it didn’t matter what I went into — the same situation of allowing other people to dominate me would reappear all the time. I would get deflated more and more often, only with each deflation I would get more and more down on myself.
And this is what happened.
I thought ‘If only I were my own boss — then I wouldn’t have any of these corporate problems.’ So I started my own import/export agency, spent most of my savings on flights and hotels, and failed miserably. I had the same problems dealing with the businessmen I came into contact with, as I had had in the bank with my staff.
Then I thought I liked public speaking. So I became a corporate trainer on a salary, working for a large company. I was miserable. The work was interesting, and helping executives improve their skills was rewarding. But my lack of self-worth meant that I found conducting an 8-hour seminar in one day left me drained from stress. I was self-conscious and sensitive.
The solution? I needed to find a way to raise my self-worth so that the challenges people presented me with in life didn’t lead to me giving in, giving up and becoming lost, confused and hopeless.
When people talk about the 9–5 being soul-destroying, they hit the nail on the head in describing my feelings, but get it all wrong in blaming the 9–5.
It doesn’t matter what you do to earn a living — it’s not usually the outer situation that’s to blame. It’s usually our inability to deal with the difficulties that working throws up. It’s due to issues around our identity, our self-worth, and our programming.
If we feel really good about ourselves and the world, we will rise to the challenges life throws at us and enjoy the game. But if we feel ‘less than’, we will buckle at the first challenge and never feel good about ourselves and our situation. We will doom ourselves to a career and a life of disappointment and frustration.
If, like me, you suffer from frustration, disappointment and despondency in your 9–5, stop dreaming about freedom for a moment and think about whether a lack of self-worth might be at the root of your unhappiness.
And if it is, you can tell yourself you’re OK — but you must combine your affirmations with action.
Success and joy at work come from getting down and dirty with the challenges, feeling the pain, saying what you need to say, doing what you need to do, looking your oppressor in the face and staring him down, taking the courage to insist on your way, persisting in pressing people until you get it done, and generally facing up to life fair and square.
That’s exactly what I did not do. I backed off from challenges. I wilted like the pandan plant on my balcony without water.
And this continual ‘giving up and giving in’ led me to downgrade myself (unconsciously) more and more until I retreated into a deeply introverted world, one I had not occupied when I was young.
But that’s the way to overcome your self-worth problem. It’s to try out stuff and get wins. It’s not about saying to yourself ‘I’m just as good as anybody else’ without at the same time doing the work. It’s about taking action, experimenting, finding out the results, and improvising for next time.
There are plenty of challenges on a salary. Even just standing up for yourself, speaking up, pushing people to get things done, and persisting day in and day out until you achieve your aim, are enough to keep anyone inspired and motivated.
And when those personal wins add up, you will automatically start feeling good about yourself, and you will rearrange your place on the social hierarchy.
You will feel confident about dealing with people, whoever they may be. And as you interact and get heard and respected, you will start to enjoy the game.
Then you will be ready to succeed, perhaps for the first time in your life.
