Life
How to Avoid Regrets on Your Deathbed
If your life ended today, what would you regret?
The most common regrets
Much has been written over the years about the common regrets people articulate on their deathbed.
The number one regret according to the experience of palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, is ‘I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me’.
The next, is wishing not to have worked so hard; then wishing to have expressed feelings more freely; staying in contact with friends; and giving oneself permission to be happier.
Most regrets seem to involve not having done something. Even the regret of having worked so hard is really a regret for not having done the more important things that work replaced, and so this is also a regret of omission.
Some people may have no regrets because they live in the moment, not in the past. This article may not interest them. Others may focus on the past or future (or both) and have difficulty remaining in the present. This article may resonate more for these types. I think I’m one of these.
The two most important days of your life
Mark Twain famously said:
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
What a shame it would be if the day we found out why, was too late to do anything about it.
We all hope for, and generally expect a long healthy life, so we can put things off until ‘tomorrow.’ When we are young, it is common to feel immortal and so we may feel that there is endless time to ‘get our act together’. But, accidents happen, pandemics happen, unexpected illnesses happen, and life’s options can suddenly disappear.
‘That’ movie
Just after commencing this article, I thought of the movie, ‘The Bucket List.’ I hadn’t seen it, so I paused my writing to explore it. It portrays two men, played by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson who meet in a hospital while undergoing treatment, having been diagnosed with terminal illnesses. One is a wise and selfless soul; the other is self-centred and addicted to his material wealth. It’s a somewhat predictable movie — I won’t give spoilers for those who haven’t seen it, but in essence, each has some aspects of life that need repair, that they hadn’t yet faced.
The movie, while a little clunky in parts, highlights the benefit of letting go a little and being open to what might be possible, and focusing on the things that really matter, while there is still time.
A self-audit and a bucket list
There are two types of people — those who have a strong perspective of their life purpose, and those still yet to discover it. Perhaps most people fit into the second category. In reality, perhaps we should always keep discovering. Hopefully, most people have at least started.
A self-audit exercise can identify how we might reflect back on life when the days remaining are fewer than the ones we’ve experienced.
You can start with a list of values and beliefs that you consider important. Then document a list of interests; then a list of skills (be generous with your skills — nobody is assessing you); and finally, a list of things you think you want out of life. When you review the four lists, are there any common themes running through them?
For example, do you value social justice? Are you interested in the plight of those less fortunate than you? are you in a position to help others — be it serving meals at a soup kitchen, or offering pro bono services as a lawyer?
Do you value community? Like to travel? Do you have some carpentry skills? Or teaching skills? A trip to visit a small village in Africa might be an adventure waiting for you.
There may be a few things you’ve always wanted to do — scale Mount Everest or Mount Kilimanjaro; steer a dug-out canoe through the Okavango Delta; learn a musical instrument, or return to university as a mature aged student.
Perhaps you have been avoiding something — like contacting an old friend or relative.
Your bucket list might simply be about being the best you can be, right where you are.
If you’ve ever looked at an issue and said to yourself, ‘someone should do something about that. Now might be the time to acknowledge that you are someone.
It is satisfying to also list achievements as far back as possible. These could be people-related, financial, athletic, academic, or any skill you have developed. Do they align with your current values? You may be surprised to see how many achievements there are.
Take action
For those items on your list that are yet to be completed, develop a plan today. Break down the goals into smaller activities and put dates next to those activities. Then start — regardless of how small the first step is. Momentum is important and rewarding.
References
- Susie Steiner, ‘Top five regrets of the dying’, 1 February 2012. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying
