How to Be Successful Without Being Arrogant
Number 4: Don’t save the princess who’s capable of doing it herself
Why do so many successful people end up alone?
Well. Maybe it’s because being successful, yet not arrogant, is like tight-rope walking. Our entire society motivates us to be such and praises achievement (at least on the surface). So when we finally accomplish our dreams, our ego goes up, up, and beyond. However, problems appear when our friends and family finally get sick of us.
I know how it feels. You see, as long as you do something different than 90% of the population, and, by God, you happen to be successful at it, thinking that you’re somewhat better than everybody else is almost a given. Of course, life does straighten all the inflated egos out. So how about we do it ourselves (and less painfully)?
So, how not make people give up on you because success made you silly? All we need is a bit of humility. No! Don’t quit yet, and let me explain! By “humility” I don’t mean less for you but more for others. This way, you’ll be able to celebrate victory together, which is a lot more fun and rewarding. Let’s see how!
#1 Don’t be a Gollum–share the treasure
No, it’s not. Because you aren’t successful on your own. It may not be obvious, but a lot of people contributed as well. If you got a Nobel Prize for a research project, whom would you thank (if anyone)? There are many people to consider: co-scientists, family, and friends. But maybe also the book author who inspired you to research a given area?
Generally, we all love to be appreciated, so include others in your happiness. Otherwise, it could lead to (often silent!) resentment and dissatisfaction. Often large companies are guilty of this: the CEO presents a new product without talking and thanking the people who did the work. Remember–you can thank others in a lot of ways, privately as well.
Even for purely egoistic reasons, gratitude is an effective strategy. You may have heard that companies use it to raise productivity. And it works because when people feel appreciated, they’re inclined to help you again. Therefore, letting go of the “it’s all mine” attitude is beneficial for making the success even bigger.
#2 Be curious, not insulted
To prevent you from becoming over-sensitive to criticism: remember that no matter how great something is, it’s not perfect, and more importantly, it can be improved. Repeat to yourself: “I know that I know nothing.” This quote is not only a gem of humility, but mental health as well! With this attitude, you’ll no longer fight everyone who dares to criticize your work.
Listen, we need constructive criticism, at least a bit. Usually, people aren’t gentle, yet their words can still be valuable. Therefore, it’s important to get out the gems and throw out the trash. Whenever you can, be curious and ask “Oho! Then what would you change?”. Trust me: you can impress a lot of people by remaining calm and classy.
#3 Keep the “golden thoughts” to yourself
Dear advice, how often do you come, even if nobody wants you! And yes–I’m also to be blamed for this. If you’re like me (and most people), the urge to say something is huge. “I’ve listened to all these podcasts, books, psychologists,” you think. “Now, I can bless you with my golden advice.” The intentions can be saintly, but what happens?
Like an angel, you indeed descend upon them with your solution. The problem is that nobody likes to be looked at from above. By giving (unwanted) advice, you communicate your superiority: you’re the one who has all the answers, and they, the poor lost sheep, have no idea how to live their lives.
Even if your solution is the best in the world, the results won’t be. Why? Because it’s your, not their, solution. No matter how knowledgeable and distinguished you are, you don’t know the exact details of their situation. For God’s sake: if they don’t explicitly ask you, do not give any advice.
#4 Don’t save the princess who’s capable of doing it herself
The princesses are strong, and the princes are too. If you think that, since you can’t give advice, it’s better to save people right away, no it’s not. It feels nice to be the knight sometimes. However, again, you’re sheltering people and you’re destroying them. You tell them, “Look how incompetent you’re–can’t even deal with challenges yourself!”. But perhaps, they can.
Once you make people dependent on your help, they’ll take it as a given. And you, on the other hand, will soon get sick of it. However, the sheep you created won’t be able to deal with challenges themselves, which will determinedly lead to friction between you two. Although it doesn’t feel or seem as altruistic, waiting until people ask you for help benefits everyone more.
In short, be open to help, but don’t rush to give it.
#5 Don’t do anything but ask and listen
Approximately 4–5 million people get married every year in the U.S. … and approximately 42–53% of those marriages eventually end in divorce. — World Population Review
And it all starts from a single sentence: “But the other person won’t listen!” Looking at the divorce rates, it seems that nobody does in the end. I’m giving marriage as an example because it has the most striking statistics, but this relates to any type of relationship. Therefore, the advice I’ll share applies to everyone, not just the potentially arrogant.
Who plays the more significant role in the conversation, the speaker or the listener? Most people think it’s the one who talks, but maybe I’ll convince you otherwise. The person who sincerely listens to somebody allows them to express themselves and amplify their perspective on the subject that troubles them. This way, the speaker can easily find the solution themselves.
Think about it: who are the best teachers? It’s the ones who ask the right questions. Of course, it requires skill and sophistication–that’s why it’s so effective! Also, even if just for a while, it forces you to abandon your ego and give yourself to the other person: not proposing solutions, not shooing them away, not saying that you’re busy, just listening.
It seems simple, yet not many people can do it. You can begin to work on this skill by asking more open questions that’ll naturally guide the conversation: this can create magic in all your relationships. Also, once you allow others to speak to their hearts’ content, they’ll probably return the favor in the same form.
Final thoughts + what to do right now
It’s not difficult to become a jerk once some success hits you. However, there are some tangible actions you can do to prevent it. All of them aim at developing humility which is more appreciation for others. It may hurt at first, but in the end, it’ll make you happier.
So pick one action, write a reminder for it, and live by it in your daily life. For example, whenever you’re listening to someone and feel an urge to share some “golden thoughts,” ask a question instead–this is my assignment for you. Otherwise, all these 1000+ words were for nothing!
