How to Cope with the Echoes of Grief
Advice from a Future Grief Counsellor (My Mother)
My longest relationship ended two weeks ago.
As we both began a new journey studying abroad, our relationship came to a crossroads.
Both of us knew what was coming, though, to me, an extrovert and open-minded person, studying abroad was a utopia of new experiences and people.
This clouded my mind and spirit from the beginning processes of grief.
As I write this, the grief of the relationship has begun.
Strangely, things are different than every other time I’ve experienced heartbreak (or loss, as a matter of fact).
Usually, I would turn to material or physical pleasures of the body and mind to attempt to fill the hole I feel.
Despite feeling a mixture of anger, sadness, and isolation, I also feel grateful and almost at peace with the experience.
Over the years, from developing from a teenager to a young adult with a semi-mature brain, I’ve learned several things about keeping my emotional health on track despite a negative turn of events.
The ‘Therapist’ I Needed, AKA My Mother
I have my Mother to thank.
My mother is a remarkable woman who has been with me through the worst times of my life, even when I was a little sh*t.
She recently began her studies to become a grief counselor and death doula, so of course, she did what she did best: be my mother (and also my professional therapist).
My Mother opened my eyes to see how grief is experienced in everyone’s life.
I want to share her advice and what I’ve learned.
Below is a screenshot from our recent conversations after my grief began.
Please take a minute to read this before I continue!
My Grief Gift to You
I’ve listed three concepts on grief and how they have helped me in the process based on my Mother’s words.
Emotions do not need to be spoken but expressed
Honestly, I remember when I first felt the grief hit me.
I was about to get my hair cut, but I found a reference picture on my phone when I came across a picture of us.
It was a silly picture, but it was of us happy.
I had no words to say.
Nothing.
Just the pure feeling of grief.
You know what I did?
I cried for the first time since the breakup.
Sometimes, the best thing you can do to express your feelings when you don't have the words is to feel it.
Feel it through your body, let the anguish out.
For example:
When I’m angry, I work out.
When I’m happy, I smile and laugh.
When I’m bored, I think or meditate.
Grieving is such an urgent, insistent, or arousing feeling because we try our hardest to push it away when all we need is to express it in the present moment.
Grief is like every other feeling – temporary but never gone
I believe everyone will experience loss at some point in their life.
Just like my Mother said above, grief can come in all forms of loss; whether the loss of a loved one, a relationship, a friendship, or even a game, grief will be present.
Actively avoiding grief is like ignoring an open wound.
Over time, the more you dismiss, the more pain it will bring.
In my previous relationships or when I experienced the death of a family member, I was never truly present in the process of grief.
Then, at random times (weeks or even months later), I would feel the pangs of loss and had no idea where they came from and what to do with them.
This was dangerous because I felt half empty instead of feeling half full.
I used whatever means to make myself feel full, whether it was sex or drugs.
It wasn’t until I learned how to be present with the emotion.
With that came clarity, vulnerability, and, most importantly, love.
Just because I am not in love does not mean I cannot feel love.
This type of love can never be taken away like everyone else I have been in love with.
Grief is just like any other feeling.
It will come and go, like when you feel energized or tired.
Acceptance of the moment will be your best friend in the grief process.
Life Will Continue So Be Present
What hit me the hardest was that I had to ”adjust to being this new person without the other.”
It was always difficult being interdependent with someone after feeling independent for most of my life.
Now that our paths have split, I feared being alone for the first time in years.
This was crazy to me!
I love being the independent, man-on-a-mission type.
However, I have accepted that now is my time to grieve and be vulnerable.
My life is continuing, regardless of how I feel.
The best thing you can do is to be present in your life through all the ups and downs, or else you’ll miss it – grief and every emotion that comes with it.
Afterthoughts
Now that reality has set in, I sit back and reflect.
I often felt like I was in a prison of my mind, but now I feel free to replay all the meaningful moments.
Every time we laughed, every time we fought, every time we fooled around—all of it.
Thank you for being a beautiful experience in my life.
Talking with others (not just my Mother) helped a lot.
On my study abroad trip, I made many new friends, which gave me so much insight into how young people today feel about grief!
I want to thank my friends and family members for their support as I navigate this journey. You each hold a place in my heart.
If any readers have made it this far and are grieving, there are services for you (since I live in Canada, my Mother recommends mygrief.ca).
With that, number 11 is crossed off my YOLO bucket list.
