How to Invite Guests Over When Your Home Isn’t Clean?
Does a tidy home describe one’s worth or personality?
Sometimes being messy only makes us human.
It’s a mess.
It was during my college days, the summer of ’22 while I was in the midst of a frantic search for a roommate, I extended invitations to individuals to inspect my room and would sometimes initiate random conversations with strangers that led to inquiring them about their potential interest.
I was low on my budget and spending an enormous amount of money for a room of my own didn’t make sense in a city like Bangalore.
A chance encounter with a sweet, friendly girl from the North East on our hostel terrace pushed me to start an impromptu conversation with her which ultimately turned into an invitation to visit my place.
She agreed without hesitation and assured me she could spare an evening of hers to drop by.
I’ll be upfront about it. I’m not fanatical about cleanliness but I position myself comfortably between hyper-clean and overtly messy. I do have an understanding of basic hygiene and cleanliness.
I knew I might be expecting visitors and tried my best to keep the place in order with just the perfect touch of a college student.
That very evening I welcomed her with a sincere smile and an unspoken understanding enveloped us or so would I think. Conversing with her wasn’t difficult.
Her eyes wandered around the room, while I initiated a dialogue gently enquiring if the fan’s subdued speed was acceptable. The room was on the first floor and was sufficiently breezy. She nodded and expressed her preference for a cooler ambiance. I assured her that the room was breezy enough if all the windows were kept open.
Was it really a mess?
She then mentioned that she likes to keep her room clean.
That was abrupt.
“Oh ya. Sure. Same”, I went along.
I couldn’t help but wonder what prompted her to mention it as if there was an unspoken assumption that my space didn’t meet her standards of cleanliness.
As her words kept echoing in my mind, I found myself succumbing to my intrusive thoughts.
My attention was drawn to a stack of books sprawled lazily across the study table, a shirt damp with sweat spread casually across the backrest of the chair. In my defense, it wasn’t stinking to give me away.
Oh! there hung my sports bra and my yoga mat spread out beneath. A fleeting reminder of the exercise I intended to begin.
It seems like I am over-explaining and defending myself at this moment. How I wish this generous line rolled off her tongue as generously as it is doing from mine right now.
I guess, I pitied myself back then thinking, of course, perhaps I was not living up to THE standards of cleanliness.
She smiled and exclaimed that she would think about it. I wasn’t hopeful.
The following day, she paid me another visit. This time, bearing a proposition. She delicately put forward the idea of relocating to the third floor alongside her as her roommate was shifting to a flat.
I was hesitant as I tend to attach fondly to spaces I’ve inhabited.
Anyway, neither of us shifted but the idea of not having my space “tidy” enough troubled me for the longest time.
Trust me, your home doesn't need to be Pinterest-worthy.
What are the standards of cleanliness?
Growing up, I was always hesitant to bring friends over to my “old home” or not well-furnished home. Most days, the rooms looked as if no one had time to tend to it. None had, to be honest.
My mom was a teacher, my dad worked late in the office and lost all the energy to keep the house clean every day and I could only fold clothes. The only day when we all got together to keep it decent was on Sundays.
I was never proud of my space until I started college and realized how demeaning it was to feel so. I was hit by the pangs yet again during the search for a roommate.
My aunt’s adopted son is a proud father of two daughters. My aunt never had an experience of raising a baby but she did it very recently.
During one of our video calls, she kept interrupting and apologized for not having enough time to keep the room organized. She added that it had been six months since winter and the warm clothes were still out. Toys and clothes were visibly scattered across the room.
I felt for her and asked her to stop apologizing.
No one should feel sorry for the space they occupy. We are only human and we are messy beings.
On a certain occasion, I paid a visit to my friend’s house. Curiously, she kept me waiting at the door. Upon finally stepping inside, I inquired about the delay and she responded by saying she hadn’t anticipated my visit and took some time to sort her “shit” out.
It was my study table for the paying guest. The bare table is mine while the one with the purple tablecloth was my then-roommate's.
Over the years, I have come to a realization that apologizing for the state of my home, unconsciously makes other people feel sorry and ashamed for theirs.
I am tired of holding up space and being cautious about it.
I am tired of apologizing for not being at my best self every day.
I want to be me. I want to hold a safe space in my corner and not be apologetic about it.
We all want it.
Who has set a standard of cleanliness, anyway? I guess that’s why we say “I’ll visit you.” and not “I’ll visit your house.”
Having someone over doesn’t mean one needs to be ready. People spend time with each other when they are emotionally starving or simply want to spend time in someone’s company.
We all deserve to be at ease and feel safe with having people over instead of experiencing a bout of anxiety or shame.
Over a call, when my friend asks me if she is doing enough? Within my eyesight, I see a sink full of dishes, unfolded laundry, and books strewn around on my study table.
I feel relieved that I am not the only one.
I fall short of breath and take my time to assure her something that many tend to neglect.
I remind her that managing a home with finances, health, relationships, children, parents, and hobbies is a daunting task and that we are doing enough.
We are existing. We are living.
What to do in a “dirty” home?
- Talk about dogs.
- Play Jenga.
- Drink tea.
- Order pizza.
- Cook a meal together.
- Go for a walk.
What not to do in a “dirty” home?
- Judge them about their state or the state of the house.
- Ask why they keeping their place messy.
We all get overwhelmed and sometimes asking for some help isn't bad either.
Takeaways:
- It’s not a good move to shame people about the state of their homes. It really isn’t cool.
- It really isn’t worth apologizing for the state of your home cause that in turn makes others aware of theirs.
- Having people come over to one’s home exactly the way it is, allows the people we love to know how much we trust them for allowing us to be ourselves.
- A tidy space has nothing to do with the personality, attitude, or how good a person is. Every day isn’t sunshine. People aren’t in the same state every day. Some deal with mental health, some with work, some with children while some are just okay with holding up spaces they live in.
- Offer help if you go uninvited to someone’s place and they start panic cleaning. As long as they are healthy, calm, and feel safe in your presence is all that matters.
- If one feels that the mess is going out of hand and needs some help, try reaching out to someone you trust. Someone you can share your ordeals with.
And lastly, instead of apologizing with sentences like “I’m sorry for a messy room” try saying “Welcome to my home which is in this state 90 percent of the time. It feels scary but I am letting you in.”
More often than not people will be honoured to visit your place.
I know, I surely would be.
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