I Can’t Believe I’m Writing
Using my fear to take the first step toward my biggest dream.
It’s hard to remember the first time I realized I wanted to be a writer.
Maybe it was when I was 12 and my Dad forced me to read The Hunger Games as a punishment for failing my book reports. Maybe it was in the subsequent years after which I fell down the rabbit hole and had a book — or in my case my Nook — in my hand every day.
In recent years, in between attending college and battling depression, I kept coming back to this dream. And that’s exactly what it was — a dream. All I had to show for my want to be a writer were the thoughts of being a writer.
I read countless books. I was always on my iPad, constantly grasping for the next story so I didn’t have to feel my pain or be forced to do work I wasn’t willing to do. This was my state of being for years.
Until March of 2022. Not even a full month ago. I was scouring job boards and articles about careers that didn’t require a degree because I was fed up with still being in college. My self-esteem hit an all-time low, my mental health right alongside it.
The biggest thing holding me back from writing was fear. Fear of not being good enough, fear of failing, fear of people hating my work — when it’s such a vulnerable, integral part of me as a person.
So, how did I get over it?
I didn’t.
I was on a routine phone call with my partner before he went to sleep when I saw an ad. He knows of my passion for writing, my obsession with reading, and my complete lack of courage to do anything about it. With his support, I signed up for a course to learn to write for a career while on the phone. I decided to just try.
It was genuinely the scariest thing I had ever done. I was so nervous that I began shaking, my adrenaline spiked, and I couldn’t fall asleep that night. I ended up texting my dad at 5 a.m. when he was leaving for work, still awake, asking for advice on how to overcome this feeling.
Writing something that was intended to be published, something that actual humans would read was terrifying. In the end, it took me another week to hit publish on Medium — and it was a completely different article.
One article became two, two became three, and now almost a month later, only having written five articles (this one being the sixth), here I am. Still scared. But not as much.
I’ve scoured dozens of articles on new writer tips, slowly built some confidence — don’t be fooled, I’m still building it — and even became a writer for New Writers Welcome as I embark on this journey.
I have a whopping 14 followers. I’ve got over 100 claps (that’s a lot for me!) on an article I didn’t even plan on writing and got my first comment on that same piece. All of this happened in the last two days. It’s slow going, but I’m loving every minute of it.
So, be scared. But don’t let it consume you. Don’t let it keep your dreams from becoming a reality. Let it drive you. You won’t succeed if you don’t try.
I find more courage every day I write. I’m extremely proud of myself for taking that first step, though it felt more like leaping off a cliff.
Just remember, baby steps are still steps. It doesn’t matter how big they are, how slow you move, only that you take them.
After all —
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou
Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed my work, clap or leave a comment with your thoughts! If you’re a fellow Medium writer, hit the follow button and I’ll follow back!
Love,
Abbigale
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