I Disappointed my Mother
But that’s okay!
“Si tienes relaciones sexuales con un hombre antes de casarte, no habrá nada nuevo en la luna de miel y él se va a aburrir de ti.”
Translation: “If you have sex with a man before marriage, there will be nothing new during the honeymoon, and he will be bored with you.”
That is what my mom told me when I was in my teen years, among many other similar things. Every time she would hear about a teen pregnancy or would notice a girl’s provocative behavior, she would repeat that to me. She wanted to make sure that I learned to be a “good girl” and save myself for marriage. She told me about the importance of the hymen, a clean house, and is first a mother before a woman.
She always talked about sex like it was a chore. How men are animals who do not have any feelings like women do.
For some reason, lately, I have been thinking a lot about that. About my mother’s obsession regarding a woman’s virginity, and then her responsibilities as a mother and a wife (in that order), after she is married.
The subjects of her hardest judgment are women who seem to enjoy their lives and have been smart enough to set up boundaries around them, as well as those whose priorities are not things, such as cleaning and cooking. Ironically, she brags about being a feminist and how she was never a submissive wife.
To her disappointment (quoting her on this), none of her daughters got married as virgins. My sister got pregnant at eighteen, and she married her baby daddy. On the other hand, I went to college out of town while working part-time at a store, attended a prestigious internship program, finished my bachelor’s degree with honors, got a job, and then bought a house by the time I was 23. But for her, none of that mattered because I chose to live with my boyfriend, with whom I have been happily married for 14 years.
During my mid-20’s I was constantly fighting with her. Any conversation I had with her would end up with us fighting. I was very intolerant towards her judgment, even if it was not about me. In retrospect, I guess anytime I spoke with her and she started gossiping about someone, I felt attacked and rejected. I would cry for days because I knew she was disappointed in me, and no matter what I would accomplish in life, forever, I would be of less value because I had sex before marriage.
I can’t be mad at her anymore because that is the way her parents taught her to assess her own value; she believed it and never questioned its validity. But, on the other hand, I can say that I am finally free from that baggage. I am learning every day to love myself more and more, not because of what I do but because of who I am.
At this point in my life, I do not argue with my mother anymore about these things. She is in her mid-70’s and is full of bitterness and regrets. I feel sorry for her because her whole life, she believed that her value was based on keeping her hymen until marriage, being a mother and a wife, and having a good reputation.
While I do not completely agree with my mom’s way of thinking, I know her advice was well-intended, and her heart was in the right place. Unfortunately, she carried her own baggage while trying her best to raise her kids with good values.
As Louise L. Hay said:
If your mother did not know how to love herself, or your father did not know how to love himself, then it would be impossible for them to teach you to love yourself. They were doing the best they could with what they had been taught as children.
Thank you for reading!
