I Have No Friends. But I Can Sense a Shift in the Air.
Spent a quarter of a century on this planet, only to realize that making friends is not straightforward.
Different shades of Life :
A carefree early childhood:
Growing up in a joint family and being the youngest of all, I was undoubtedly pampered most of the time, except when it was time to study.
Being surrounded by a lively bunch of cousins, I never once felt the pangs of isolation or loneliness. Or maybe I was too young to bother.
The summer vacations were a time of sheer delight for us.
We’d indulge in all sorts of games — from cricket to hide and seek. Or unwind a long, tiring day watching Ninja Turtles as we gulped down a glass of hot milk every evening.
But as time went by, family dynamics changed, and we grew.
Families now became nuclear, a term I had to search for in the Oxford dictionary to complete my high school English essay on “nuclear family”.
Oh, and I started going to school.
Although I have the haziest of recollections from my earliest days at school, I do remember being unceremoniously dispatched back home with a set of baggy, ill-fitting uniform that wasn’t even mine.
The reason?
I had pooped my pants.
Maybe the smell had given me away.
At the time, the school only had lower and upper kindergarten, which left many parents searching for other options for their kids.
Transitioning to adolescence :
My second school was where I spent 12 years of my youth learning and making friends.
I joined the new campus a month later because my grandmother had passed away.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer size of the sprawling campus.
My then-best friend from the previous school had helped me navigate the labyrinth of hallways and corridors of this all-girls convent school.
She knew her way around the school and the art of making friends.
It wasn’t long before I could sense a shift in her priority. Although we spoke, I found that she was missing most of the time during recess.
I figured she was part of a large group, about 30 strong.
While I wanted to spend more time with her, I sensed she didn’t share the same sentiment.
I desperately wanted to be a part of this hyped group, only to realize it was reserved for Bengali (a native language spoken in the state of West Bengal in India) girls.
It didn’t have a place for a non-Bengali like me.
Thus began my yearning to be included and the struggle to find deeper connections.
This wasn’t it.
I was left with a gnawing feeling of not being enough and desperation, more so when my mother could see through the struggle.
In a moment of candor, my mother raised a question to her that struck a nerve within me “Why don’t you guys hang around in the school too?”
This time, my mother heard something that I already knew about — I wasn’t Bengali.
The spell of adulthood :
My mother left no stone unturned.
Even at the airport. As I leave for my college after a mini vacation back home. But this time, it wasn’t a question but a plead.
“Spent some time with Sonika, okay?” to one of my old classmates from school, who also happened to board a flight to Bangalore.
My classmate replied with a sheepish smile and a promise to do so.
As you all might have guessed, that never happened; Quite the opposite.
A moment when I stumbled upon her and her beau in Bangalore, she turned her face away from me, even before I could greet them.
But wait, it gets better!
As if that wasn’t enough, she pulled her partner closer to her, like I was some sort of love-starved vampire ready to pounce on him.
Oh! the horror and the honor ;)
I’ve spent a remarkable time of my life longing for meaningful connections and making friends, and as time has it, I’ve failed numerous times.
Things started changing.
During my stay away from home, I embarked on a journey of self-love and self-discovery.
I faked confidence till I made it.
I am grateful to have met kindred spirits who shared the same level of anxiety in a new environment. This helped me break the ice and get comfortable.
We might not always find a close-knit circle of like-minded people, but the depth of a conversation that strikes up at the subway with a stranger in no way compares to a forced connection with people who couldn't care less about what we had to say or offer.
I have bonded with people over a shared language (not like the toxic group I encountered during my school days), interests, dreams, ambitions, and frustration (as we stood in a queue for over four hours updating our KYC); you name it, I’ve made connections in random situations.
While the depth of a conversation is highly subjective to the importance it plays in our lives, we can always build connections with people in every nook and corner over any given topic.
Making friends after a certain age might also seem complicated, but cribbing over shallow connections is not worth it.
I’ve realized that not everyone is meant to stay or be by your side.
Some would get off at the next station, while others may stay until the last stop.
If time and situation demand it, let it go. You’ll be amazed to see how many people you’d bond with over something unexpected and wild.
That being said, I also believe maintaining friendships can be demanding as well.
While some want the same effort they give out back in return, others might be cool to catch up after months or even years without making a fuss about it.
It is okay to fall into either of the categories.
I belong to the latter.
People who have known me for the last four-five years know this about me. While some accept it, others don’t. And it is okay.
As I said,
Welcome people with open arms or open the door for them.
I’ve experienced the pain of losing connections after years of knowing someone, but it does no good when neither of us is happy.
I’ve understood that life is a constant motion, and we must flow along with it. We should keep accepting small gifts and tokens as we unravel the unexpected in front of us.
Takeaways :
- Having no friends is neither a red flag nor a bad thing.
- Focus on being a better person for yourself.
- Don’t try to change yourself; it’s not worth it.
- Try not to attach expectations while you give to others; it’ll only make you frustrated and doubt yourself.
- If you aren’t receiving the basics like respect and courtesy it’s time for you to draw boundaries.
- No one is obligated to be your friend, and neither are you. While some might prefer coffee, others may like tea. Don’t take it personally.
- Remember, true kindness is giving without expectations; giving with expectations is manipulation.
- Being vulnerable is not weak. Take that step. You’ll be amazed at how many people share the same insecurities as you.
- You may or may not find your tribe, but never force a connection.
- Remember! you can find a connection or even make a friend in places and in situations you never imagined.
Have you experienced something similar in your life or dealt with the gnawing feeling of having no friends?
Share your experiences; I’m all ears!
And remember!
If I can survive being sent home in someone else’s clothes, I can survive just about anything!
and so can you!
