I Wrote a Daily Gratitude Letter For 30 days and Here is What I Learned
The more vulnerable the gratitude letter is, the more significant the impact on you and the receiver.
Why did I start the gratitude project?
In October 2021, I wrote a gratitude letter every day for thirty days to thank people who made a difference in my life. I was going through a pretty shitty month while traveling in South America.
It all started when I got denied my visa extension in Brazil. I had already planned what I would do during my extra month in Rio while volunteering in a local hostel. Instead, I had to change my plan, which would be ok. But over the next week, everything I touched went wrong. Looking back, I recognize it wasn’t “everything,” but I was already in my depression spiral. At the same time, I also experienced intense grief of missing my amazing and dead girlfriend, Liz. She was always there to support and comfort me when things weren’t working my way. But she wasn’t here now.
One day, I cried on my bed, ready to book a ticket back to Europe and give up my trip to South America. Luckily, last-minute tickets across the world were costly, and my rational mind stopped me.
Then, the question popped into my head. What would Liz do? She would hug me, say some comforting words, or do something nice to distract me and make me feel good. I wasn’t really in the state of giving myself a pep talk or hugging myself. Instead, I took myself for a coffee and alfajor. While sipping my coffee, I shared my feelings with a friend. She told me it couldn’t all be that bad. Part of me knew she was right. So, I started thinking about how I could get out of this rabbit hole.
While I felt utterly useless, I figured I could always say thank you to somebody. That could be a meaningful contribution and make somebody’s day better. However, I needed more than one thank you. I needed a project that I could focus on to regain my self-confidence and get myself out of this rabbit hole. Since I like doing a thirty-day experiment, I thought, let’s write a gratitude letter to people who have impacted my life every day for thirty days.
What were the rules of the project?
I didn’t have any written rules, but looking back, I have formed some guidelines that helped me finish this project and made it more impactful for me and the receivers of the letter.
- Don’t expect anything back. I literally wrote in every letter that I don’t expect people to react to these letters, and if they want to take action, they should write a thank you note to someone else. These letters were about them, not me. It also manages my expectations, so I wouldn’t be disappointed if people didn’t send me any reaction.
- Give specific examples. I was trying to not write just general statements but also one or two concrete examples that I was grateful for. The precise details make the letters more personal and create a more profound feeling of gratitude. They also made the letters and a healing experience.
- Aim for one page. This rule was about making the project doable. I am not a prominent writer but writing one page per day is a reasonable goal. In the end, I ran over a few times when I had more to say.
- Write a letter per day. The last guideline is self-implied in the title. I didn’t want to write just one letter because you will see more change if you stick with something for a while. Plus, I had a clear goal and time when I knew the project was done, and I could celebrate.
I have to be honest with you. In the end, It took me two months to finish this letter. I know it is less sexy to say 30 letters in 60 days. But, to me, it is not that important. All these experiments that I do are about the journey and what I learn rather than the goal itself.
Furthermore, I am proud that despite missing some days, I stuck with them. It would be easy to say oh, I missed one day so let’s not continue. But, unfortunately, life is not perfect, and things happen, and we sometimes skip the gym glass, the healthy meal, the journal writing, or lunch with our friends. The important things to keep coming back. That is how you build consistent routines and habits and achieve long-term goals.
One of the reasons why I missed some days was the fact that the letters were heavily emotional for me. I didn’t have the energy to be vulnerable and expose myself daily. So many of the letters were about the moments in my life when I felt the most unworthy and unloved. Some of the things I shared with people felt awkward, but that is what I felt. I cried at writing most of the letters. In fact, I consider it a sign that I am writing from my heart, and I am not just trying to fill the blank space. I also think this was a major reason why this letter had a powerful impact on the people to who I wrote the letters and myself.
What did I get from the project?
It made me feel good. Every time I finished a letter, I felt gratitude and joy. A few days after I started writing the letters, I felt like my life had turned around. Things began to work out. Maybe that is just a perception. The thing is, life is about where you put your attention. The letters help me pay attention to the good stuff I have in life and let me care less about things I don’t have any control over. Nancy Davis Kho, author of The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time, says that the gratitude practices can help you strengthen “your positive recall bias makes it easier to see the good things around you even when times are dark. I definitely agree with that.
It was deeply therapeutic and healing. The letters have been deeply emotional, and I cried at writing all of them. Mostly these were tears of gratitude and joy. But I also cried because I wrote about many difficult and uncomfortable moments. Writing about these moments, putting the fear, shame, and insecurities on paper, and sharing them with others made me accept them. They are all part of me. It was also an essential step on my journey to healing after Liz passed away. It was the first moment I got to thank all the people with whom I wouldn’t probably be here. I couldn’t do it alone, and I am grateful I had many people who helped me through it.
I realized how many amazing people I have met in my life. Some were in my life for a day, some for a season, and some have been there for the whole journey. It doesn’t matter because even small moments can significantly impact your life. But even the people there for a moment were willing to be vulnerable with me, inspire me with their stories, or listen to my stories without judgment and support me through some difficult moments. I feel privileged to have met many people who contributed to my life journey. In fact, the list of people to whom I wanted to write a letter was far longer than thirty. So if you haven’t got a letter, it is not because you matter less I simply couldn’t fit everybody in me. But trust me, I’m thankful for anybody who positively impacted my life.
Deep gratitude requires vulnerability. When we are grateful, were also vulnerable. I am telling you this moment had a deep meaning for me, and I don’t know what your reaction will be. I am kind of exposing myself. Some meaningful moments for me have been about how people inspired me. But many have also been about how people helped me get through a difficult situation in my life. These difficult situations often involve our profound fears, insecurities, and trauma. So sharing these requires even more vulnerability. However, vulnerability gives gratitude more meaning and makes it more powerful. It is nice to know that you made somebody smile but what if you knew that you inspired somebody to take a career path that makes them happy or helps them on their healing journey from trauma or loss?
One letter can change somebody’s day.
You are probably curious about the reaction of the people who received my letter. Well, the responses were more substantial than I had anticipated. This is in line with gratitude research from Berkeley University, which found that” letter writers overestimated how awkward recipients would feel about the gesture and underestimated how surprised and positive recipients would feel.” I also think that many people have been overwhelmed by the letter. Some of them probably didn’t even know what to say, and some might not open it. And that is fine.
However, many people told me they had never received such a lovely and emotional letter that made them feel so good. Several people said to me that they got the letter during the time they struggled, and they really needed to read something like this. It turned the day around and helped them out of their downward spiral. One friend told me he is thinking about framing the letter and hanging it in his apartment. We also discuss these letters on the Broken Compass podcast with Jay (Ep 05) and Fedor (Ep 07), which are coming this month. So if you’d like more details, please check that two episodes. Sometimes, one thank you or letter can change somebody’s life.
The only question left is, who will you write the letter to? If you do, I would love to hear about your experience.
If you enjoyed the article, check out my podcast, Broken Compass, where I talk to people about how they navigate their life when they feel stuck or lost. With all the good, bad, and bittersweet things. Because life is not always rainbows and sunshine, is it?
