Infertility: I Find Myself Waiting for the Sunrise
It’s getting brighter but I still don’t see the sun.
Why am I awake at 6 AM the morning after a surgical procedure?
I was expecting discomfort, the pain is less than I anticipated and I am thankful for that. But this gas is a killer. I can’t get comfortable, I’m bloated AF, I’m scared to sit down because yes you guess it, that is also uncomfortable. I stand here in my kitchen drinking peppermint tea and trying to relieve my discomfort.
I am the antithesis of a morning person. Morning people are unicorns to me. Mythical beings that quite frankly, make no sense! I don’t have many rules in life but if I’m not catching a flight, my eyes do not need to be open before 8 AM.
You might be wondering what surgery I’ve had and why.
I’ve had a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and HSG. I’ve linked informative articles about each procedure but the simple explanation is that they stuck a little camera through my bellybutton and cervix to look at my uterus, my Fallopian tubes, and surrounding reproductive organs. They also pushed dye into my uterus to check if my tubes were patent (open) and to get a better look at the structure of my uterus. All this is in an attempt to figure out why your girl here, can’t get pregnant.
And do you know what they found? Zip. Nada.
Well, that isn’t 100% confirmed but he said they found no adhesions, and that my tubes are patent. His exact words were “the dye flowed straight out” which means these bitches be open, open. So Fallopian tubes, what’s the damn deal? All my other tests came back fine, my husband’s “Deposit” – fine. So it made perfect logical sense to me that my tubes were the cause of 2 years of trying and nothing… I was certain they were blocked.
Yet here I am, at 6 AM, in discomfort and a bit of pain. After undergoing a surgery that I thought would give me answers, finding myself with none. I feel ungrateful that I am not more pleased. I really wanted, no needed an answer. An explanation for all these failures, all this heartache. A reason for all the pain. ANYTHING that felt like a small win or conclusion to the endless unknowing of infertility.
“No” the universe said. “That isn’t how this is going to go”.
And I’m trying to work out if that is better or worse.
I am confused and slightly frustrated that our journey will continue, with us blindly poking around in the dark. We will have more tests done and as with most things related to being a woman undergoing fertility treatment, mine will be more invasive than his. We hope we will come up with something, anything to direct our protocol and get us a positive pregnancy test.
But we might not.
This has gone on for so long now, I can’t even think about having an actual baby at the end of this. That feels like a dream. Do you know how little girls want to be princesses? That’s how motherhood feels like to me.
So at 6 AM the morning after a surgical procedure, as I sip on my peppermint tea, waiting for relief, I find myself waiting for the sunrise.
It’s getting brighter but I still don’t see the sun.
And that is how it feels.
Thank you so much for reading! I have decided to share my experience with infertility in the hope that it would help both myself and others feel less alone. I endeavor to share both hope and despair. If this resonated with you, click the applause button to help share this with others. If you or someone you know is facing infertility, I’d love it if you followed me so that we could support each other through this. I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback.
