Is “Fake It Till You Make It” a Real Thing?
Experts say there’s a difference between authentic desire and toxic positivity, here’s how to know
My 16 year old was in another funk, nothing new or surprising. However, the mounting rates of teen suicide certainly have heightened my level of caution around all moods. And on the other hand, I don’t want to let the pendulum swing too far toward worry either — the Goldilocks principle.
Language, how we speak to each other, I believe, is powerful.
Your words are so powerful that they will kill or give life — Proverbs 18:21 TPT
Therefore, I tend to choose my words with extreme caution.
So when the words “fake it till you make it” flew out of my mouth in response to my son’s guilt-driven funk, I started to noodle.
Was that good advice?
Is that encouraging him to be inauthentic?
Habits expert and author of Atomic Habits James Clear was interviewed by Brené Brown back in 2021 on her podcast Dare to Lead and had this to say on this exact subject:
Fake it till you make it is asking you to believe something positive about yourself…without having evidence for it. And we have a word for beliefs that don’t have evidence, we call it delusion. At some point, your brain doesn’t like this mismatch between what you’re saying you are and what you’re actually doing, and so behavior and beliefs are a two-way street, the way you act influences what you believe about yourself, and the things you believe influence the actions you take.
But my argument is to let the behavior lead the way, to start by doing one small push-up…or by meditating for one minute, and to know that in that moment you have undeniable evidence that you were that kind of person, that you casted a vote for that version of your story…you don’t have to be perfect, but the more that you start to cast votes and build up evidence of that type of story, the more the scales start to tip in favor of that.
And I think eventually you do actually come to believe that about yourself, you have to admit, “Look, I’m showing up and doing this over and over again, this is obviously part of who I am,” and I think that’s the real reason that habits matter.
Thanks James, I knew I liked you 😆!
“Fake positivity,” or what some experts call “toxic positivity” is dangerous because it’s the mindset that no matter what, we should (I cringe even writing that word) remain optimistic, repeat positive mantras, or reject emotions you might deem wrong or bad.
Faking it till you make it is not that. In fact, not only are there no wrong or bad emotions, this way of living backfires quickly.
Choosing to step one foot in front of the other with a genuine desire to be different, to do different, to make the right choice even when you don’t feel like doing it is drastically different than slapping on a positivity bandaid and not being true to yourself.
Authenticity is a collection of choices we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen. — shame researcher Brené Brown
Do I desire for my son to be authentic, absolutely.
Do I desire for my son to be a person of integrity, 100%.
What I don’t want is for him to believe his temporary in-the-moment mood dictates who he is as a person.
Here is the beautiful truth, as neuroplastic beings we are designed to move forward, expanding ourselves as we learn from the dings, mistakes, and hiccups of life.
And we can feel the full spectrum of feelings of those dings, mistakes, and hiccups, but the trouble comes when we get stuck there.
This being human isn’t easy, but being intentional about how we take one step in front of the other is how we prevent getting stuck. And we take this forward motion whether we feel like it or not if we desire change.
It could be the difference between living with more joy or not.
What authentic desire do you want to live into today, one vote at a time, as James puts it?
being more grateful
moving your joints more
being more social
Take that one step in the right direction, 3 minutes of movement, or setting up one walk with a friend, even if you don’t feel like it.
As you fake it till you make it you begin to believe you can become the person you want to be, and soon you will!
Share in the comments below, I’m listening!
