Mother Of A Boy
The Responsibility Of Raising A Man
Gender Reveal
Finally, after 20 long weeks of wondering who the little person was in my tummy, the day came when I found out the sex of my baby. I never had a preference, nor did I have any inkling of what my baby may be. I only became convinced I was having a baby girl because close ones persuaded me with their assumptions. The night before my scan, I spoke to my baby and said I couldn’t wait to meet her.
The morning came, and my partner and I attended the scan. I have no reasoning as to why I kept referring to the baby as he when asking questions to the doctor. Possibly I wanted the doctor to correct me and say, ‘’well, actually, your baby is a she…’’. Instead, my doctor looked at me confused and asked If I had already attended a gender reveal scan. I responded that I had not, and she replied that my baby was a boy. Overwhelmed and excited, I rang everyone I knew. I had never had a brother and was never close to my male cousins. My very own little prince, I was over the moon.
The Asymmetries
As my pregnancy continued, I wondered about the difference in the male experience in life. I grew up female and could only relate to the ups and downs of being my own gender. I was aware of the trials girls faced in all developmental ages and, therefore, would be able to confidently handle these hurdles when guiding them to adulthood.
I always had a sour taste towards the dads who became saddened when they found out their baby was a girl, concerned by their thought process of how boys will one day interact with their daughter. A counter-productive attitude where boys will be boys, and yet they assume that not having a daughter was the solution instead of influencing the next generation of men to be better humans. Now, I look back and wonder if I was wrong to judge a Dad for fearing the responsibility of a child he was clueless to parent, as now I feel similar. Those dads being hyper-aware of their daughter’s potential future dangers, I began my list of worries.
A long list of statistics that proved men were more likely to commit suicide, become homeless and become involved in crime baffled me. I had to prepare to raise a man whose fate would never be one of these statistics. A challenge to prevent my son from falling into a rabbit hole of toxic masculinity and anti-social behaviors which social media glorifies. In my mind, the world ceased to be a safe place for men.
My Approach
Ignorance is not an option; I refuse to raise a male blindly through his childhood. I can not rely on just a mother’s instinct to assume the choices I make as a parent are right. Therefore, my mind began to be consumed with understanding how to mother a boy properly. I wrote down the qualities I would like my son to possess and how I instill these into his character.
“Children do learn what the live. Then they grow up and live what they learnt.” -Dorothy Nolte
The main quality I want my son to possess is empathy; so he can understand other people’s emotions and have the correct response, behavior, and actions. Exposing him to age-appropriate scenarios where he can begin to learn a wide variety of emotions impacted by different situations. My son is in his toddler stage. He now loves role-play activities; this is the perfect opportunity to practice facing various reactions that conflict with his wants. I have found success using a doll to act out minor falls resulting in what we call boo-boos: he knows how to apply plasters and give the doll a hug. So far, he seems to be grasping others’ needs and attending to them very well and enjoys the aspect of problem-solving others’ negative emotions.
A close-minded notion that anything feminine is wrong for a boy to want has proven to negatively affect how men believe they should act and how they view females. A boy’s expression shouldn’t be limited; confining him to specific toys stereotypically for his gender isn’t a part of my parenting. I have never pushed him into wanting tea sets, princess costumes, or anything colored in pink; however, I don’t make a fuss if that is what he wants. I hope he will be able to make friendships with both girls and boys, as he won’t be hesitant to participate in activities deemed appropriate for a specific gender.
Boys don’t cry; this is a banned motto under my roof. Emotional intelligence is an area that a lot of men lack, so teaching my son to regulate his emotions is a priority. There’s not much I’ve found you can do when he’s at the height of his tantrum, only to be present and offer comfort until he calms down and then find solutions to resolve the issues which caused him distress. I’ve noticed when I don’t overreact to his emotional outburst, he sees my presence as security. Over time, I have seen him less likely to become reactive to a situation that once he found intolerable and instead seek my help to communicate that he’s feeling sad and needs help.
Children don’t come already programmed with the knowledge to recognize right from wrong. I disagree with punishments; it is a parent’s way of projecting their frustrations on the child, a quick way to inflict fear in the hopes the child won’t repeat the same mistake. Is this guidance? No. Under no circumstance do I want to teach my son that adults are entitled to their abuse of power by enforcing rules through scare tactics.
On the other hand, I find boundaries and consequences a more productive approach. Clear expectations are communicated to the child about their behavior. Furthermore, when a mistake is made, which is inevitable, they are already aware of the consequence which suits the crime. Children seem more willing to co-operate and learn through praise, allowing them to correct their mistakes and be met with approval. One day, he will be a grown man with his parents no longer over his shoulders to condemn his poor decisions. Therefore, with my in-depth teachings of right from wrong, he can independently, as an adult, understand any impact of his actions or behavior.
My Aim
I suppose my parenting has become driven by the idea that I must raise a man who will positively impact those he meets and the world around him. I hope his mind is well-rounded enough to avoid being influenced by dangerous ideologies of masculinity and instinctively knows to seek help when needed. A man fully capable of building healthy relationships and can also make good choices that lead to succession.
