Our Toxic Relationship With Goals and Self-Discipline
On all the bullshit we believe(d) in
Let’s talk about the big things.
It’s our favorite topic, after all. Big dreams, big achievements, big money, and so on. How about losing 15 kilograms (~33 lbs) for a start? Or learning a new language? With enough motivation, you can have it, and you can have it soon.
Well, at least this is the message of the Western world. But did anyone notice how this “self-discipline” thing goes? Stupendously, I assure you! Take New Year’s resolutions–a wonderful symptom of our disease.
On some cold evening in December, people set themselves to watch one of these motivational videos on YouTube with emotional background music and Steve Jobs talking. Once they finish the video, they’re full of hope, and accordingly, they shoot off like missiles in January.
Gyms? Full. Libraries? Crowded. Will power? Inhumane.
And then, February comes. What do we see? Worn-out faces. Beaten, shrunk silhouettes. Dim eyes and lost spirits. The January successes have somehow turned into a torment! The number of broken resolutions is more alarming than the average time people spend on TikTok, which is a whopping 95 minutes.
To make things worse, these broken promises often lead to self-doubt, lack of confidence, or ridiculous claims that self-control doesn’t exist. In short, true rock bottom. Some people recover, and some don’t. The point is that everything goes back to the new normal.
So, when did this toxic relationship even begin?
We’re destined for failure. Here’s why
Big motivation and big goals are seductive.
They lure in by charming visions of success and achievement. They make you forget your wits and blindly rush head front into the promised land. But then, you’re met with the sour reality! Research suggests that all these changes fail miserably: whether it’s giving up on smoking, alcohol, or losing weight–it’s all in the negative.
There are many reasons for that, but what usually happens is either:
- You underestimate how difficult your goal is.
- You are reasonable enough to doubt a success and thus self-sabotage yourself to protect your ego from failure.
So remember–you won’t cheat the statistics: if you go upfront for the biggest goals without preparation, you’ll be met with failure. And what is the cost of it? The default is negativity. And, by God, once you feel bad, feeling even worse is a no-brainer.
Slowly, you’ll lose trust in yourself because of all the broken promises. Now, this vicious circle can go on and on. But I’m here to stop it and tell you that it’s never too late to go back on the right track. And I’ll show you how.
Follow the pro’s way
What distinguishes an amateur from a pro athlete? No, it’s not the money. It’s their attitude. Amateurs like to show off: they relish learning all the extravagant and fancy moves to impress others. Pros build up from the basics.
They spend hundreds of hours perfecting the fundamental skills of the sport. Of course, it’s not as exciting as beginning with the cool stuff. But, hell, it pays off. You see, the only way to go pro and achieve success is by doing boring exercises.
However, once you’re aware of this, your attitude changes. I do some sports myself, and I’ve learned how to love practicing the boring things precisely because I’m aware of the returns. Of course, I still feel some temptation when I glance at people who do better than me. Yet, I know what it takes, so I shut up and religiously do my exercises.
And guess what? I want you to do the same. I want you to be the pro.
So, if you want to be a pro, you can’t rush for your huge dream goals first. No losing 15 kg (~33 lbs) in two months, no exercising three times at the gym, etc. However, don’t worry because we will get there. But first, we need to build you up to the challenge!
DISCLAIMER: The only situation when you can be pardoned from this is when your life is at stake. If your bad habits ruin your life, or you have exams in two weeks, there’s no time for building sustainable self-control. However, once you deal with this, come back to this article!
The greatest paradox of self-discipline
I have a million-dollar secret for you. What would be better to develop self-discipline: choosing one goal and working on it, or having multiple ones? According to what I said, the first one, right?
Wrong!
It’s one of the greatest paradoxes I encountered while studying the phenomenon of self-control. You see, having multiple objectives is easier. Why? It’s precisely because we tend to start with enormous goals.
When you develop a few at a similar time (but not all at once!) there’s little chance you’ll make that amateur mistake. Therefore, choose some reasonable amount and start integrating them one by one.
For example, let’s say you want to read 15 (you can increase it later) minutes a day. At first, it’ll be a bit of a struggle. However, once you do it successfully for a couple of weeks: it’s time for a second objective. Now, you are reading 15 minutes a day–AND going on 20-minute walks.
Do you see what I mean?
Of course, the mentioned example may not resonate: it can be either too easy or too difficult. Therefore, you need to identify where you are now with your self-control honestly. Some will start from a higher point, others from a lower. It doesn’t matter.
What matters is your attitude and willingness to put in the effort.
However, it’s absolutely worth it! Because once you go through this pro path, your self-discipline will be based on solid fundamentals. Soon, you’ll spontaneously be more productive, eat healthier, move more, etc. That’s the result of good work.
Also, after some time, you’ll finally be able to achieve the big goals you’ve always dreamed of. And all of this–but without self-deception and ruined confidence. Isn’t that worth striving for?
Final thoughts
Believing that you can achieve your biggest dreams now is self-deception. It’s like aiming for Olympic gold after a month of training! Thus, failure is a given, and it comes at a price. To combat this tendency, start small and work on many goals.
Pick something tailored to your level, stick to it, and continue adding new objectives in other areas. This path is only for future masters because it’s boring, yet it’ll help you develop reliable and stable self-control.
All in all, don’t fall into fantasies–approach life strategically.
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